A little Texas humor . . .

(This is making the email rounds, especially in the Lone Star State. Substitute your own region or area of domicile, and you'll think it funnier.)



God was missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him resting on the seventh day. He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, “and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth, and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, pointed to a land area and said, "What's that?"

"That's the State of Texas, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful rivers, mountains, streams, lakes, forests, hills, beaches and plains. The people from the State of Texas are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about Balance, God? You said there would be Balance."

God smiled, "There's Washington, DC. Wait till you see the idiots I put there!"

HOW hot!?

Yes, this was taken today at 4:05 pm.

Yes, that's my backyard in Victoria, TX.

Yes, it's in the shade!

No, I am NOT out playing golf (or doing anything else) today!

Ask, and ye shall receive!

In my previous post I complained about the heat, right? Right!

The forecast (for the part of Texas where we were) called for more days of triple-digit temperatures, but with “isolated thunderstorms.” We decided to play golf anyway, but to cut back on the length of time we spent out IN that heat.

Tuesday dawned with overcast skies, and temps in the upper 70s. Fine.

But to our amazement, the skies stayed overcast all day, and the temps never rose above the low-to-mid 80s! Wow! Great golf weather!

Well, then on Wednesday the sky stayed overcast (with occasional very light drizzle, but no real rain), and again, temps in the low 80s!

Gee. Maybe I ought to complain about things more often . . . ya think? (Carol says an emphatic “NO!” According to her, any more complaining from me might exceed some kind of arbitrary limit. I have no idea what she’s talking about.)

We are now back in our hometown of Victoria. We were greeted and welcomed home by the announcement below:


City of Victoria/ NEWS RELEASE

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: July 2, 2009
FOR MORE INFORMATION CONTACT: Victoria Public Works Department: 485-3381

City Initiates Stage II of Drought Contingency Plan

(VICTORIA, TEXAS) The level in the City of Victoria’s Off-Channel Reservoir #8 has fallen to elevation 42, which is approximately 50% of its maximum capacity. As a result, the City is initiating Stage II of its Drought Contingency Plan beginning Friday, July 3. The following restrictions apply under Stage II:

(Yada, yada, yada.)

It seems that Victoria is now one stage beyond "Extreme Drought" and is considered to be in "Exceptional Drought" conditions!

With lots of restrictions, water rationing, and so on.

Well, given my experience earlier this week, I'm going to start right now complaining about the lack of rain.

If you notice on the national news a story about floods in this part of Texas, you'll know the reason.

Too hot to fish, too hot for golf . . .

Carol and I are in our camper, parked in Belton, TX. We arrived here on Saturday when the car’s outside thermometer read 105. That’s degrees Fahrenheit for all you Metric System folks.

Yesterday we played 36 holes of golf. When we finished and got back in the car to return to our air conditioned camper, the reading was 106.

I gotta tell you, this camper’s little roof-mounted A/C unit just can’t handle 106 with the sun beating down from a cloudless sky. But we survived, thanks to ice-cold beer, a fan, and the knowledge that eventually the sun would go down and we’d get some REAL cold air out of that roof-mounted thing.

(Last night I woke up at 3:30 a.m., cold! Ahhhhh! I got out a blanket and loved it!)

Today we played 27 holes of golf, and the car thermometer reading was 103.

I can hear you asking, “Are you gluttons for punishment?” “Are you masochists?” “Are you out of your ever-lovin’ bloomin’ MINDS!!?”

Well, possibly.

We’re beginning to wonder how much more of this golf “fun” we can stand.

Tomorrow we’re set for another round or two at a different golf course. We’ll probably go and play for at least a while. As for the rest of the week . . . well, I’m thinking we should have scheduled a trip to a more northern location; like maybe Alaska.

We’ll take it one day at a time.

The title of this post is from a country song of a few years back. It is indeed too hot for those activities mentioned. I’m just wishing the next line was also true: “And it’s too cold at home.”

For that I’ll need a bigger A/C unit on this camper!

On a SATURDAY??

According to the first book of John (me), chapter 7 and verse 12, Saturdays when the sun is shining and the temperature is between 45 and 100 (depending upon the wind speed) are intended for golf.

Today is Saturday. The sun is shining brightly, the temperature is in the mid-90s but the wind is blowing at 15-25 with gusts to 35. So why are Carol and I not playing golf?

What's that? Did I hear someone wonder aloud if perhaps the dreaded ycaripsnoc might have something to do with it?

Well, judge for yourselves.

Yesterday evening I entered the master bathroom to . . . well, I went in there. I noticed a shiny spot on the floor, and stooped to examine it. Wet! The puddle extended along the wall behind the toilet, and further examination revealed that the toilet supply plumbing was dry. So where was the water coming from?

I noticed a drop of water on the bottom of the top tank. As I watched, it fell to the floor and another drop formed. How . . .?

Then I saw it; a hairline crack running from the top of the tank, through the handle-mounting hole, down and around the side almost all the way to the bottom. Given the small quantity of water on the floor and the speed at which the drips were falling, it had to have started less than an hour ago.

I ask you: Why does a porcelain toilet tank crack from top to bottom all by itself in the middle of an otherwise normal Friday evening? You already know the answer!

Timeline: 0830 – arrived at Lowes and shopped for a replacement toilet. Carol's "must have" list included a "best flush rating" of 5 stars. We selected a mid-priced model with the requisite flush rating, paid, and took it home. The advertising on the box says this commode will flush a bucket of golf balls!

(Side note: Lowes store is only a two-minute drive from my house!!)

0930 – the old commode is drained, dried, disassembled and removed from the house. The area is cleaned and ready for the new installation.

9:50 – determine that the bolts to mount the toilet to the ring in the floor aren't long enough. Try to use the old hardware but drop a bolt down the toilet drain hole in the floor. Unable to retrieve it. Think a few choice words.

10:00 – back to Lowes for some longer bolts.

10:45 – longer bolts are in place, but I determine that the wax ring that came with the new toilet isn't thick enough (a common problem). Mutter a few choice words under my breath.

10:50 – back to Lowes for a second wax ring.

11:20 – toilet is installed with double wax ring in place. However, it rocks slightly because the tile floor isn't exactly flat. Need some shims.

11:30 – break for lunch.

12:10 – back to Lowes for some nylon washers to use as shims. Buy a tube of caulk while I'm there to save any further trips! (Ha!)

1:15 – toilet is in place with top tank mounted and seat attached. All that's left is to hook up the water supply line!

1:16 – determine that the old supply line is two inches too short to reach the new, higher top tank. Say a few choice words loudly (Carol is outside and can't hear me).

1:20 – back to Lowes for a longer supply line.

1:50 – all is connected and in place. With trepidation, turn on the water and fill the tank. Check for leaks. Call Carol to come and try out the new, super, five star flush. Carol's reaction: "This doesn't flush any better than the old one!"

1:51 – excuse myself to Carol, walk through the house and out of the garage to the back yard and SCREAM a few choice words at the sky. Notice the neighbors looking at me strangely. Quickly walk back inside.

2:20 – tools and trash are put away, bathroom is clean, and job is complete. Too late (and too hot) to consider golf today, so opt to watch the US Open and stay in the air conditioning.

5:40 – crack open my second cold brew and order carry-out dinner from Olive Garden.

In the first book of John (me), chapter 7 and verse 13, it is advised that the activities in the preceding sentence are appropriate for Saturdays when golf is not played. Being a "by the book" kind of guy, I agree!

Oh, and by the way . . . Carol and I have agreed that we aren't going to be testing the "bucket of golf balls" claim concerning the toilet's flushing prowess. First, neither of us thinks the commode can do it, and second, we put enough balls in the water on the golf course as it is.

Maybe we'll golf tomorrow. Ycaripsnoc permitting.

Psalm 23

At the office our General Manager called a "staff meeting" today. Though why he wanted to hold a meeting with a bunch of hiking sticks is beyond me. You know; as in "Thy rod and thy STAFF, they comfort me?"

Sorry.

But that tendency of mine to see possible puns in many everyday conversations is what prompted this post. A little background is in order.

My company makes a product that we ship out to customers in granular form. It looks kind of like coal, but much more expensive. We use railroad hopper cars to send it forth. Sometimes we'll send a LARGE shipment in a barge, propelled by a tugboat along the Intracoastal Waterway to either its final destination or to an intermediate one (like a port where it will be trans-loaded onto a ship for international customers).

One such barge-load of product left our plant several months ago, but before it reached the port of Houston (to be loaded onto a ship) the intended customer called to cancel the order. This was about the time the market for our stuff REALLY started going soft.

Rather than pay to bring the barge back to our plant and unloaded, we called all our customers and offered the material to them at a discounted price. Good deal for them, and for us (saving the unloading costs).

Nobody wanted it. NOBODY was buying our product at that point.

While we waited for someone to make an offer, we began referring to the shipment as "the orphan barge." Unloved, unwanted, nobody to take care of it. *sniff *

We have finally bitten the proverbial bullet and had the poor lonely thing brought to the plant, but have waited to unload it, still hoping that somebody will buy its contents from us.

Today, at the staff meeting, a decision was reached to unload the material from the orphan barge.

Unable to resist such an opportunity, I spoke up and said, "You know, we've been talking about that orphan barge for months now. I think we should just name it Annie."

Thus ended the meeting. Some had the courtesy to laugh; most simply groaned.

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death. . ."

Yeah, I ducked out through the nearest door before the stones started flying.)

Love conquers all – part 2

I read an interesting article on Yahoo Finance recently, called “What Not to Do When You Buy a Home.”

Here’s a link, but about half the time the link doesn’t bring up the article. I don’t know why.

So why am I writing about a financial article under the post title of “Love conquers all?”

Here’s an interesting quote from the article:

A researcher at Ohio State University found that people who stayed married accumulated 93 percent more wealth than single or divorced people. Economist Jay Zagorsky of OSU’s Center for Human Resource Research tracked the financial and marital status of more than 9,000 people from 1985 to 2000. Those who divorced saw their wealth reduced by 77 percent on average.

OUCH!

Carol and I have been married only once. To each other. For over 40 years. So, does that make us rich . . . or just old?

Definitely old.

No, my point is that even in matters as pragmatic as money, being in love and STAYING in love helps!

Another excerpt (quoting from a different study than above):

The typical husband says the couple earns 5 percent more income and has 10 percent more total wealth than his wife reports, the study found. Meanwhile, the wife says the family's debts are $500 more than her husband reports. Among older couples surveyed, half differed in their wealth estimates by more than $14,700; among younger couples, half differed by $7,000. (Husbands paid the bills about 40 percent of the time.)

Perhaps the most critical discovery: Couples who didn’t divorce in the 15-year study were more in agreement on their estimates than couples who divorced. In other words, they knew how to communicate about money. If you want to avoid your own personal credit crisis, that's a good place to start.

Amazing!

(And you thought I never wrote about ROMANCE in “Romantic Ramblings!”)

Love conquers all – part 1

I read a lot of novels. And since I’m not picky about the genre (not to mention: cheap!), I go to our local “Friends of the Library” book sale every six months, stock up on a stack of used paperbacks at 25 cents per copy, and I’m have bedtime reading to last me until the next sale.

How do I pick them? If the title strikes me, or the cover is a pretty color, or my hand closes on it when I’m really reaching for a different one. It usually takes me about 5 minutes to collect a grocery bag full.

That selection method typically results in me finding a couple of books I really enjoy, about 6-8 that are okay but I CAN put them down easily when the clock (or my eyelids) tells me it’s time to turn out the light for the night, and one or two stinkers.

Aside: I always wonder about how those stinkers ever got through an agent to a publisher who bought them, promoted them, and surely failed to sell enough to even come close to breaking even. Yeah, I know. It’s all a matter of taste, and mine aren’t necessarily representative of everyone else’s. But gee, I can recognize when something is well-written and entertaining, and when something is schlock. I guess some schlock does sell. But my novel was better than that, and . . . Oh, well. **sigh**

Okay, where am I going with this?? In January I picked up a (thick) book called The Brothers K, by David James Duncan. Never heard of him, and never heard of it. Grabbed it on a whim.

After a couple of chapters I knew this book was something special. This guy could WRITE!

When I was about half-way through it I announced to my entire family (on our ski trip) that this was probably the best book I had read in at least ten years. I raved about it.

After I’d finished it I gave it to Carol (who doesn’t necessarily share all of my tastes in books, movies, and so on). She and I were both college English majors, so she is widely read also. To cut to the chase, she finished the book last week and declared that it is probably the best book she has EVER read, period!

Check out this review by a random reader, copied from Amazon.com’s reviews:

Favorite Book, June 8, 2006
By Una (Portland, Oregon) - See all my reviews

After more or less bitterly mocking my conservative Adventist upbringing with my very Catholic best friend 7 years ago, he laughingly recommended this book to me, saying it might help me "deal" with that upbringing to soothe away the bitter. Ohmymymymy.

I checked this out at 9 in the evening and by 4 in the morning had finished this...this...this...the word “book,” from this book-lover, does not do this book justice. This is the monster of books, the God of all books, it's been given a little book-sceptre and rules over all the rest of the book-ette proletariat. It's bourgeois book and beastie book. Even better, instead of pompously lording it over all the rest of the lesser books, it quotes them, loves them, welcomes them in for one big book party.

I have two copies of this book. One copy is signed and is missing three pages, and is ripped in two from reading it too many times. The other is yellowed and sits on top of my bedstand. I have parts of it committed to memory, and re-read over and over and over.

The thing that strikes me most about Duncan's style is his underlying foundation, his ability to find love in the most crazed places: from the Adventist church to Vietnam to Canada to the village dotted desert outside Pune. There is a certain naivete in looking for unmitigated love in these places, but while various of his characters embody that Dostoyevskyan naivete, I get the feeling that Duncan is an incredibly down-to-earth guy and that down-to-earthness meshed with mysticism, Adventism gone fanatical, non-violent violence, etc. leaves a lasting impression.

I would say his main foundation is that love is an uncontrollable force, it takes on faces we might never expect of it. We see that over and over again as we watch this family's epic story unfold so heartbreakingly and terribly.

As for my old friend's comment that "The Brothers K" might help me "deal?" Yes. And then some. I felt like someone had hit me over the head with a frying pan after reading this book. Maybe it was the staunchly Adventist Mama Chance who stepped out of the pages and gave me a good iron whack. Duncan called The Brothers K (and I might be misquoting him a bit) his 700-some page attempt at coming to terms with his own Adventist/Presbyterian upbringing.

Having been raised solely Adventist I find it necessary to point out that some of the theology he attributes to Adventism is incorrect, particularly that Adventists don't believe in a literal hell. The culture, which is ultimately what matters in a book like this, he has portrayed amazingly well, right down to the children's rooms being in the church basement. I understand, from an interview he had with Dan Lamberton of Walla Walla Adventist College, that he was originally trying to write about Baptists, which is bigger and more mainstream and therefore more meaningful to readers, but found himself always returning to his Adventist upbringing, finally switching over altogether.

This book was amazing. While I'm not sure that Duncan would like that I felt hit over the head by a frying pan wielding Mama Chance, it turned out for me, and it keeps turning out. This book "holds multitudes." I can read it and come out crying and laughing and head-achey and glowy and furious and excited depending on which page I'm turning to and which character I'm reading about.

So. Should you buy this book?

Dear friend, buy two copies of this one, for one will fall apart on you for all that page turning.


So, Love is an uncontrollable force that can be found in the craziest of places.

Find a copy of this book. Start reading. You owe it to yourself.

Love conquers all.

Priorities

One of these days, I swear, I’m going to take the time to clean up my blog roll in the right-hand sidebar below.

Really!

I mean, probably half the blogs listed are either no longer active, or have changed names, or the blog authors have abandoned blogging in favor of Tweeting on Twitter, or socializing on Facebook. So I need to clean house.

But some of those links will still take you to active blogs whose authors are witty, entertaining, and exceptional writers. Some have obvious themes they follow, like Jan over at The Poodle (and Dog) Blog, while others post on diverse subjects from humor to politics to life in general.

Some make me think (a monumental task, according to Carol), like Kirsten over at Writer’s Catch-All. Several make me laugh. One keeps me in touch with a distant family member, daughter Christina over at Another Day In Paradise.

Anyway, Jan of Poodle (and Dog) fame recently emailed me regarding an awful comment (an attempt to be funny with puns — seldom a good idea) I’d made on one of her posts. She wrote, “When are you going to get your priorities straightened out and start blogging?”

She’s right. It’s all a matter of priorities. I HAVE the time, I just fail to TAKE the time.

So, Jan, I’ll get right on that!

Heck, I MIGHT even clean up my blog roll while I’m at it.

If I ever find have TAKE the time.

Appalled?

Is that too strong a term for my open-mouth disbelief at the results of a recent survey?

A purportedly “nonpartisan, nonprofit” organization called Public Agenda (www.publicagenda.org) conducted the survey. According to the results:

“Half of all Americans (51%) could not correctly identify a renewable energy source such as solar or wind power, 39% could not name a fossil fuel, 65% overestimated US dependence on Middle Eastern oil, and 52% thought that by reducing smog the US has ‘come a long way’ in addressing global warming.”

Who the #**!!@#!* were they surveying? It says “Americans.” So . . . were these participants all nursing home residents with dementia?

100% of our public-school “educated” young people have been saturated with environmental studies for the past dozen years or more. In fact, one parent I work with told me his son had to watch Al Gore’s movie as part of his curriculum in three different grade-school classes.

I’ve heard and read for years that a high percentage of US high-school graduates can’t name the three main branches of our federal government and can’t read beyond a 6th grade level, but my gosh! I would have guessed that at worst, one out of ten wouldn’t be able to name a fossil fuel (Hello!?! Oil? Natural gas? Coal?), but can it possibly be true that FOUR out of ten can’t do so?

Now, I’m not ranting about the politics of the energy ~~~~~ (pick your descriptive noun: “crisis,” “situation,” “swindle,” “scam,” “other”). Rather I’m appalled (there, I said it!) at the apparent oblivion of people—if, in fact, the survey results are scientific and statistically accurate within a reasonable error range. And if the results are not slanted or spun to further someone’s agenda.

Of course, what are the odds that this survey ISN’T an attempt to further somebody’s agenda?

Maybe that’s what I should be appalled at.

Hmmm.

Uh Oh!

(“C” Alert!)

Les and Linda came to visit us. Who are they, you ask? Well, scroll down all the way to the very bottom of my sidebar (where it says, “Click HERE to view my web site/home page.”) and click the link, then select the number 1 link on the left side, “Africa Trip with Pictures.” Les and Linda are the couple we travelled to Africa with.

Side note: If you haven’t ever scrolled through our Africa trip story, there are a bunch of cool wildlife pics.

Linda wanted me to help her load some anti-virus software onto her laptop computer. Well, actually she wanted me to DO it for her. She’s not comfortable with computers in general and usually gets friends to install things for her.

But I was happy to help, and got started by first removing from her hard drive all the programs she never used. As she and I scanned down the list (in the “Add and Remove Programs” function in the Control Panel), I saw that most of the programs had never been used since she bought the computer in 2005! She uses the computer for almost nothing except email, and for that she uses Juno – a web-based program that does not store archived emails, address book, etc., on her hard drive. That’s a real plus since she’ll often stop during their travels at a library and email from its machines.

Anyway, we deleted a BUNCH of unused programs, then started loading new applications.

What applications, you ask? Mostly Anti-virus, Internet Security, Anti-spyware, and the like. Linda is one who believes that the more of these protective measures you use, the safer you are.

Well, okay. But my experience has been that often these various programs (from different software companies!) interfere with each other and prevent you from doing what you want to do. She had her internet security set so high that she could hardly view any web site without seeing pop-up warning messages about potential hazards, no digital certificate, potential phishing, and similar cautions.

Oh, she also complains about slow performance. Go figure.

Well, after loading all this stuff so she’d feel secure, I noticed that the machine had not downloaded any Windows updates for over 6 months. That’s unheard of! Well, except among you Mac users, who don’t understand these things.

I navigated to the Microsoft Windows update web page and tried to start the process. Nope. The machine couldn’t seem to communicate with the site and presented me with an error code.

Undaunted, I Googled the code and soon found a list of steps to try, in order, to fix the problem. After each attempted fix I had to restart the machine.

Well, after restart number three or four (who’s counting?), the computer refused to boot. One of the “protection” programs, a Norton (Symantec) product, had inserted itself into the Master Boot Record, corrupted it, and prevented Windows from loading at all, even in “Safe” mode.

Ah, but eventually ANOTHER error code appeared on the screen! Thus armed, I hustled back over to Google (on my own desktop computer) for some research. My search results took me to Symantec’s own web site where the problem (apparently not all that uncommon!!) was addressed with another step-by-step solution.

Okay, I KNOW you’re already bored with this, so I’ll cut to the chase: Symantec’s fix did NOT work, and I was out of options. The next day I took the machine to my professional IT guys at work and pleaded for help.


First answer (with a grin): “Oh, no problem! I’ll boot the machine to a Windows program CD, swap out the corrupted Master Boot Record for a good one, and it’ll be good as new!”

Next answer: “Uh, that didn’t work. I got Windows running but couldn’t get rid of the MBR. I can view enough of the hard drive to see a “Restore” sector, which OUGHT to put everything back. Let me try that.”

Next answer: “Damn, I can’t access that Restore sector. I KNOW it’s there, but I can’t get to it. !#@%!!**#! Norton software!”

Next answer: “!#!&%!*@!!*! !#!**$!!%^#! *!!##!!@*%$##!!!"

Final answer: **SIGH** “No choice. I’ve got to wipe the hard drive and re-install Window from scratch. She’ll lose all her data files and you’ll have to reinstall all her applications software. It’s that or she buys a new computer.”


Two days later, Linda can again read her emails on Juno. The computer is still slow, and still has too much “Security” software installed (which she’ll never need or use). But all that is a LOT cheaper than a new machine.

So, is this a Norton (Symantec) problem? Is it my fault for trying to get the machine to “talk” to the Windows update site?

(Or is it the “C********y” doing what it does best and laughing it’s a$$ off at me?)

I think all my regular readers know the answer to that question!