Saturday, June 20, 2009


According to the first book of John (me), chapter 7 and verse 12, Saturdays when the sun is shining and the temperature is between 45 and 100 (depending upon the wind speed) are intended for golf.

Today is Saturday. The sun is shining brightly, the temperature is in the mid-90s but the wind is blowing at 15-25 with gusts to 35. So why are Carol and I not playing golf?

What's that? Did I hear someone wonder aloud if perhaps the dreaded ycaripsnoc might have something to do with it?

Well, judge for yourselves.

Yesterday evening I entered the master bathroom to . . . well, I went in there. I noticed a shiny spot on the floor, and stooped to examine it. Wet! The puddle extended along the wall behind the toilet, and further examination revealed that the toilet supply plumbing was dry. So where was the water coming from?

I noticed a drop of water on the bottom of the top tank. As I watched, it fell to the floor and another drop formed. How . . .?

Then I saw it; a hairline crack running from the top of the tank, through the handle-mounting hole, down and around the side almost all the way to the bottom. Given the small quantity of water on the floor and the speed at which the drips were falling, it had to have started less than an hour ago.

I ask you: Why does a porcelain toilet tank crack from top to bottom all by itself in the middle of an otherwise normal Friday evening? You already know the answer!

Timeline: 0830 – arrived at Lowes and shopped for a replacement toilet. Carol's "must have" list included a "best flush rating" of 5 stars. We selected a mid-priced model with the requisite flush rating, paid, and took it home. The advertising on the box says this commode will flush a bucket of golf balls!

(Side note: Lowes store is only a two-minute drive from my house!!)

0930 – the old commode is drained, dried, disassembled and removed from the house. The area is cleaned and ready for the new installation.

9:50 – determine that the bolts to mount the toilet to the ring in the floor aren't long enough. Try to use the old hardware but drop a bolt down the toilet drain hole in the floor. Unable to retrieve it. Think a few choice words.

10:00 – back to Lowes for some longer bolts.

10:45 – longer bolts are in place, but I determine that the wax ring that came with the new toilet isn't thick enough (a common problem). Mutter a few choice words under my breath.

10:50 – back to Lowes for a second wax ring.

11:20 – toilet is installed with double wax ring in place. However, it rocks slightly because the tile floor isn't exactly flat. Need some shims.

11:30 – break for lunch.

12:10 – back to Lowes for some nylon washers to use as shims. Buy a tube of caulk while I'm there to save any further trips! (Ha!)

1:15 – toilet is in place with top tank mounted and seat attached. All that's left is to hook up the water supply line!

1:16 – determine that the old supply line is two inches too short to reach the new, higher top tank. Say a few choice words loudly (Carol is outside and can't hear me).

1:20 – back to Lowes for a longer supply line.

1:50 – all is connected and in place. With trepidation, turn on the water and fill the tank. Check for leaks. Call Carol to come and try out the new, super, five star flush. Carol's reaction: "This doesn't flush any better than the old one!"

1:51 – excuse myself to Carol, walk through the house and out of the garage to the back yard and SCREAM a few choice words at the sky. Notice the neighbors looking at me strangely. Quickly walk back inside.

2:20 – tools and trash are put away, bathroom is clean, and job is complete. Too late (and too hot) to consider golf today, so opt to watch the US Open and stay in the air conditioning.

5:40 – crack open my second cold brew and order carry-out dinner from Olive Garden.

In the first book of John (me), chapter 7 and verse 13, it is advised that the activities in the preceding sentence are appropriate for Saturdays when golf is not played. Being a "by the book" kind of guy, I agree!

Oh, and by the way . . . Carol and I have agreed that we aren't going to be testing the "bucket of golf balls" claim concerning the toilet's flushing prowess. First, neither of us thinks the commode can do it, and second, we put enough balls in the water on the golf course as it is.

Maybe we'll golf tomorrow. Ycaripsnoc permitting.


Jan said...

Once years ago shortly after we bought our first house, our tank cracked. We didn’t have any money for an expensive repair (or an inexpensive one) so we smeared layers of super glue on the inside and outside of the crack in the tank. Then we wrapped duct tape around the whole thing, covered it with a color coordinated tank cover and forgot about it. For 9 years. Eventually we sold the house and moved out of state, leaving (of course) the tank cover in place. I always wondered what the new owners said when they removed the tank cover.

But it was a lot easier than going to Lowe’s.

kenju said...

I think it would have been much easier on you to have called a plumber!!

Christina said...

Definitely the "you know what"!

Candace Williams said...

Hahahahaaaa! At our house, that would have been called a "five tripper." (side note: it is assumed that any project, no matter what it is, will be at least a two tripper, and therefore "normal."]

Karyn Lyndon said...

How Lowe will you go?