An Ink Roach?

That's what my wife called me last night.

After pausing a moment — while my brain processed images of an ink pen, an ink well, a roach scuttling through an ink well and leaving inky roach tracks across a counter top, an octopus spewing forth ink for camouflage or to confuse predators, an octopus eating a roach and then spewing forth ink in disgust, a marijuana roach with ink on it, a "roach clip" dipped in ink, and a few more I can't remember now — I questioned her with a well-though-out and articulate response of, "Huh?"

She said again, more slowly, "You're being an ink roach!"

I pondered, making sure I hadn't mis-heard or missed a syllable, and tried to figure just what the HELL she was talking about.

We were lying in bed, reading. (Now this is a family blog, so don't be getting any lurid ideas. We were READING BOOKS, okay?)

I had just moved my left foot slightly in her direction and stretched out my leg to prevent what felt like an incipient leg cramp. (Have you ever had leg cramps in bed? They're no fun, I assure you. Sometimes, if it's a calf cramp you have to straighten out your leg and pull your toes up to stretch out the calf. And when the cramps are REALLY bad, you then have to quickly relax that stretch or your thigh will start to cramp!)

Anyway, I finally had to ask her to please explain what she meant by that remark. I mean, it might have been critical, but then again it MIGHT have been complimentary (hey, anything's possible).

She turned her head toward me, smiled sweetly, batted her eyes and said, "You're ink roaching on my space."

I got up, went into the bathroom to throw up, and then returned to my reading.

In case anyone is still jealous . . .

. . . of the low local gasoline price I posted a week or two ago, here's the CURRENT low price in my area:

Most local stations are in the $1.65 range.

(Of coures, you might still be jealous of our weather.)

The name game

Yesterday morning I was shaving, mentally somewhere else entirely, when I noticed a trickle of blood from my chin. Hadn’t felt a thing, but the razor had apparently been just a bit too aggressive at that spot.

That reminded me of the old joke that goes something like:

Q : What do you call a man who cuts himself shaving?

A: Nick.

And THAT thought got me to wondering how many other, similarly punful names could be so used.

I thought of another one or two I’d heard before, and then tried to be creative and think of more. I’m sure that if I Googled some of the humor sites I could find a hundred such name jokes, but all of the ones below that do NOT have an asterisk are made up by me (even if not original).

Here’s my list, with the answers in the first comment. Some are pretty obvious; all are bad. See how many you can get, and then how many others you already know or can come up with on your own. (No fair searching the web!)

What do you call a man who:

1. Repeatedly cuts himself shaving? (I already GAVE you this one.)*
2. Lights up a room with his smile?
3. Can lift up one end of a car with his bare hands?
4. Has no arms or legs, and falls into a pool?*
5. Has a nose like a bird’s beak?
6. Is a homosexual member of the upper chamber of parliament?
7. Always knows the direction to his house?
8. Can force open a stuck window barehanded?
9. Smells like an outhouse?
10. Has a colorful birthmark on his face?
11. Is short and skinny with a flat head?
12. Burglarizes homes?
13. Operates a P.A. system?
14. Likes to run after women?
15. Loves to try on clothes?
16. Keeps his gas tank topped off?
17. Is always cleaning his house?
18. Is a probate attorney?
19. Plays practical jokes?
20. Enjoys cutting his grass?
21. Wears an ear stud?


How about a woman who:

1. Is a partner in a law firm?
2. Loves to sing Christmas songs?

(See first comment for my answers . . . And I apolgize in advance!)

A quick retort

A local family friend informed me yesterday that they had seen the promotional gasoline price in our paper and hurried to the store to fill up, only to find bags over the pump handles and a “Sold Out’ sign. But they were encouraged to see that a tank truck had arrived and was getting ready to fill the store’s tanks.

They drove off to run an errand and returned a short time later to find the bags removed but the posted price changed to $1.39!

This reminded me of a story a different friend told me many years ago:

He had gone into a part-time retail business from his home selling, of all things, motorcycle riders’ garments. You know; leather pants, jackets, and the like. (He was a motorcycle enthusiast, as you might have guessed.)

He complained to me about the difficulty of “stocking” enough of all sizes so if a customer wanted something he would have it. Otherwise they’d go somewhere else. Also his business, like most, was very price competitive.

He told me of a customer who browsed, found exactly the item he wanted (and in the right size!), but complained that my friend’s stuff was too expensive. “There’s a place on the other side of town that sells this same thing for 10% less,” he griped.

My friend asked, “Why didn’t you buy it there?”

“Well, he was out of them.”

My friend snorted and said, “Hell, when I’M out of stock, mine are free!”

I’ve never forgotten that as an example of a real zinger retort.

And maybe THAT’S why the store posted the $1.19 price for gas, ‘cause when you don’t have any you can sell it REAL cheap!

Confession

Okay, okay. The gasoline price posted below WAS legitimate, but it was a special promotional price only, and has since been raised at that store back to the prevailing price of $1.39.

But it WAS legitimate for a few hours, at least! I swear!

Another reason to be jealous?

The scanned image below is from the front page of today's local newspaper.

Anybody else seen prices like that lately?

Happy New Year!!