Monday, February 27, 2006

Uh oh...

I just had a phone call from Homeland Security. They wanted more information about the Conspiracy I’ve revealed on this blog.

Well, since I’m a good, patriotic citizen and determined to do my duty, I agreed to cooperate.

I explained how the whole thing works and presented them with my evidence. At first they seemed confused about the methods used by the various conspiring objects to communicate.

(Can you imagine? I mean, isn’t it obvious?)

I detailed the connection of pipes and wires in my house, and told them that I use a wireless router for my home computer network.

(All of that made sense to them, but they thought it a stretch that my vehicles were a part of it all.)

Ha! THEN I explained that even the car and van have computers in them. They had to acknowledge that!

At one point they seemed to be losing interest in my tales of plumbing leaks, digital file failures, electrical shorts and, of course, the transmission overhaul. But you should have seen them perk up when I told them that the conspiracy is transmitted over the INTERNET!

They thought I just meant that it is spread within the borders of the U.S. that way. “Oh, no,” I told them!

Once I showed them Michelle’s posts from South Africa, and recent comments from my U.K. readers, then they REALLY became animated.

“It’s international!?” they almost shouted.

I affirmed that it is.

“Do you think Osama is behind it?” they demanded, in breathless anticipation. Well, duh!

I told them I didn’t know if he was behind it or not, but that I was pretty sure he was involved to some extent.

(I mean, use your head! What better way for a terrorist organization to wreak havoc on our Western civilization that through these “presumed” inanimate objects?)

(Gee. “Western Civilization.” That would be a great name for a History book.)

Anyway, they promised they’d be back in touch for more information. Oh, and I provided them with a complete list of both all 10,000 of my blog readers. They want to talk to each of YOU, too! I offered them all of your email addresses, but they don’t trust email. They plan to locate you by your I.P. address and use that to trace your telephone number.

Yes, it takes them a lot longer, but they can get more funding from next year’s budget if they make their task appear more difficult.

So don’t be surprised if your phone rings in the middle of the night.

It’ll probably be Osama.


Anonymous said...

Swell! :(

Hale McKay said...

Homeland Security, eh? I feel safe.

kenju said...

Well, he might be preferable to bill collectors, wouldn't he?

This is so funny, John!

Anonymous said...

Matters have gotten out of hand here since your talk to Home Security. We have been without power for almost the entire day and night. I think the you know what is now attacking nuclear power stations and of the large American investment banks which now has an office here has had their server fried because of all the power spikes and the IT gang have been working around the clock to restore it.

Duke_of_Earle said...

No fear, Michelle! It's still in the "softening up" phase. In a few moments the problem will resolve itself, and all will be fine.

Your nation, like mine, will feel secure.

But it's coming! I KNOW it's coming. And THEN, today's pronblems will seem like NOTHING!

Candace said...

Hahahahaaaaaaa! That's one of the funniest posts I've seen in a long time!