Friday, October 20, 2006

Spielberg got it wrong

“Jaws” and its sequels and spin-offs put fear in the hearts of millions of people. In fact, the tag line for one sequel was, “Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water.”

Turns out that all that hype about shark attacks was really just (dare I say it?)... a red herring.

Sharks are not the real threat! It’s OTHER creatures from the sea that we have to work about. They don’t eat you. They don’t take off a limb. They aren’t attracted to blood in the water.

In fact, neither you nor they have to be in the water to attack.

An alert reader sent me the link to this AP story.

We all thought Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin’s incident was a freak occurrence, right? A “once in a lifetime” accident. And admittedly it was not only a horrible tragedy, it was unheard of. A stingray stabbed Steve in the heart with his barbed dart.

Well, now the stingrays are coming right out of the water, landing in your boat, taking dead aim, and striking directly for, yes, the heart!

A coincidence? Come on! Two completely unheard of incidents involving the same species within 6 weeks of each other. That alone would be enough to disprove any coincidence theory, but look at the key similarity: both stingrays went straight for the heart!

In the past we’ve always assumed that the ray was a docile creature that only used its poisoned barbed darts defensively. But now they are clearly on the attack. They’re pissed, and they’re coming for us.

The good news is that the gentleman in Florida may survive his attack through the simple expedient of leaving the barb in his heart until surgeons could remove it.

But what’s next? Will sea lions flap their way ashore and attack us in out beds? Will schools of mullet jump en masse into fishing boats, swamping them and drowning the people?

And how about fresh water creatures? Will rainbow trout swarm to overwhelm fly fishermen in mountain streams? Will minnows swim up the nostrils of swimmers to suffocate them?

I don’t know about you, but I’m staying well away from boats and bodies of water until this water-dweller threat is understood and contained.

Jaws was only the beginning!


Anonymous said...

I wish some great big jumbo shrimp would find their way to my house and try and attack. Got a skillet waiting for them.

Christina said...

Some of us at work were having a similar conversation today. I can handle two occurrences to sting ray attacks being coincidental (yes, even though they were only a few weeks apart and were both stabbed in the heart. But if it happens again, I'm out of the water for good!

Anonymous said...

I'm gonna flush that goldfish right now. It's either him or ME!

Hale McKay said...

I've got my gun ready for when the lobsters decide to attack the Eastern seaboard.

(I started another short story with the theme of Halloween - in three parts on 10/17, 10/24 and ending on 10/31. It's suspense with some twists and turns.)

Karyn Lyndon said...

If I had a stingray flop into my boat I wouldn't have to worry about the barb in my chest...because my heart would have already stopped.

Candace said...

Two heart-stabbing stingray attacks? Coinkydink, or dare I say it, a ...
Nah. I won't say it.

kenju said...

It is unbelieveable, John. Nad I think I'm like Karyn; my heart would have stopped on its own!

Hale McKay said...

John, I finally got around to responding to that meme about book reading that you laid on Christina - and she then tagged me.

Emmy Ellis said...

Good Lord, this freaked me out!


Anonymous said...

I sincerely believe you are onto something important.

Well, goodnight, and don't let the stingrays bite.

Anonymous said...

its not sting rays you want to worry about, its donkeys, statistically they are responsible for more human accidents and deaths than any other animal !