Well, okay.
I had to change the names (to protect the innocent AND the guilty!), and the new names had to rhyme with the original or the poem wouldn't work. But, that said, here you'll see the light-hearted nature of these things. They're intended to make people laugh, and to be a keepsake to the departing employee.
Without further ado, here's one from several years ago.
Alice
Miss Alice came to work for us the fall of ninety-three.
A senior then at Calhoun High, enrolled in V.O.E.!
She’d only had one job before, but her last name was Beaman,
So she started in accounting, and worked just like a demon!
Well, after graduation, she took up with Allen Martin,
And pretty soon we noticed that a family they were startin’.
She went off to have her baby, but she said that she’d return.
It took nine months, but in the end, she had to work, she learned.
One day down in the lunch room, the discussion turned to gas.
And Linda asked her for some tips on how to make it pass.
She skipped around the room to demonstrate, did Alice Martin.
Then sat down laughing to exclaim, “My specialty is fartin’!”
Once she and Sam debated over which of them could eat
A jalapeno pepper that produced a lot of heat.
She ate one bite by bite, then turned away proclaiming, “Tasty!”
But soon her tears and swollen lips were proof she’d been too hasty.
Then she took Sandra off one day to Houston to go shopping.
But on the way a D.P.S. patrolman had them stopping.
”I had you clocked at 80, Ma’am. Now what’s your rush this morning?”
She charmed him with her shopping tale, so he gave her just a warning.
A thing that everybody learns before they know her long,
Is that sneaking up on Alice is an act that’s always wrong!
In fact it doesn’t matter that you didn’t try to sneak,
If you surprise her, half the plant will hear her jump and shriek!
Once Lydia and Linda, up at Houston’s ADP,
Took Alice to a restaurant, Italian specialty.
This place was kinda ritzy with a high class atmosphere,
You need to have your best behavior on display round here!
The piano player asked them for requests and played their tune,
Then asked of Alice curiously just she was a-doin’.
He couldn’t hear her so she called to him above the crowd,
“I’m pickin’ my TEETH!” All conversation stopped; she was so loud!
The years went by and working here to Alice seemed like heaven.
Then hard times came and we were forced into Chapter eleven.
Our vendors all called Alice then and pleaded for their money.
She charmed them with apologies, her voice was dripping honey.
She finally met her Mr. Right, Joe Donald, or J. D.
Got married at the end of May, a happy family!
The problem was, J. D. was working up at College Station.
And Alice said she had to go, which caused us consternation!
So now she’s Alice Banner, with a brand new job as well.
Tomorrow is her last day here, it’s almost sad to tell,
So here’s to Alice! Knowing you has made us all feel blessed.
We wish for you a life filled with the very, very best!
But if life ever treats you wrong, if the Aggies say “Goodbye.”
Or even if things go so well you win at all you try,
Pick up the phone from time to time, or e-mails to us send,
For though the miles may come between you’ll always be our friend!
Miss Alice came to work for us the fall of ninety-three.
A senior then at Calhoun High, enrolled in V.O.E.!
She’d only had one job before, but her last name was Beaman,
So she started in accounting, and worked just like a demon!
Well, after graduation, she took up with Allen Martin,
And pretty soon we noticed that a family they were startin’.
She went off to have her baby, but she said that she’d return.
It took nine months, but in the end, she had to work, she learned.
One day down in the lunch room, the discussion turned to gas.
And Linda asked her for some tips on how to make it pass.
She skipped around the room to demonstrate, did Alice Martin.
Then sat down laughing to exclaim, “My specialty is fartin’!”
Once she and Sam debated over which of them could eat
A jalapeno pepper that produced a lot of heat.
She ate one bite by bite, then turned away proclaiming, “Tasty!”
But soon her tears and swollen lips were proof she’d been too hasty.
Then she took Sandra off one day to Houston to go shopping.
But on the way a D.P.S. patrolman had them stopping.
”I had you clocked at 80, Ma’am. Now what’s your rush this morning?”
She charmed him with her shopping tale, so he gave her just a warning.
A thing that everybody learns before they know her long,
Is that sneaking up on Alice is an act that’s always wrong!
In fact it doesn’t matter that you didn’t try to sneak,
If you surprise her, half the plant will hear her jump and shriek!
Once Lydia and Linda, up at Houston’s ADP,
Took Alice to a restaurant, Italian specialty.
This place was kinda ritzy with a high class atmosphere,
You need to have your best behavior on display round here!
The piano player asked them for requests and played their tune,
Then asked of Alice curiously just she was a-doin’.
He couldn’t hear her so she called to him above the crowd,
“I’m pickin’ my TEETH!” All conversation stopped; she was so loud!
The years went by and working here to Alice seemed like heaven.
Then hard times came and we were forced into Chapter eleven.
Our vendors all called Alice then and pleaded for their money.
She charmed them with apologies, her voice was dripping honey.
She finally met her Mr. Right, Joe Donald, or J. D.
Got married at the end of May, a happy family!
The problem was, J. D. was working up at College Station.
And Alice said she had to go, which caused us consternation!
So now she’s Alice Banner, with a brand new job as well.
Tomorrow is her last day here, it’s almost sad to tell,
So here’s to Alice! Knowing you has made us all feel blessed.
We wish for you a life filled with the very, very best!
But if life ever treats you wrong, if the Aggies say “Goodbye.”
Or even if things go so well you win at all you try,
Pick up the phone from time to time, or e-mails to us send,
For though the miles may come between you’ll always be our friend!
June 6, 2002
5 comments:
A brilliant poem. I think its about time we wrote about you, don't you think? What about a limmerick?
There once was a man named John
Who thought it was rather fun
To hit a ball in a tree
Instead of on the tee
And frightened the doe on the run.
Michelle,
I'm touched! No one has ever written a limerick about me before. And yours so captures my golf game! Although I'm not sure "fun" describes my attitude when the ball goes into the trees and frightens the wildlife. But, close enough!
John
John, you are such a peach! I never had an HR Manager like you. But then, I always worked for lawyers. Which explains a lot, come to think of it ... But anyway, I'm sure everybody loves working with you!
John, that's awesome...getting paid to write poetry...is that in your job description?
Hey, since I'm the HR Manager, I can write my OWN job description! You wouldn't believe what I get paid to do!
John
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