Saturday, December 17, 2005

Ooooo... Another Conspiracy? How Odorific!

Karyn (who, btw, has missed another golden opportunity for a Freaky Friday post... What opportunity, you ask? Well, yesterday WAS a Friday, in case you didn’t notice! Duh.) Anyway, Karyn has pointed out that all of us writing about birds flocking and pooping sounds like another conspiracy.

And yes, the word I used above was “FLOCKing,” in case you were reading quickly and just assumed something else. Which reminds me of the line Mel Gibson used in one of the “Lethal Weapon” movies: “Let’s make like shepherds and get the flock out of here.” But I digress.

I wonder if the geese and the grackles... and maybe even Michelle’s South African penguins, are all conspiring on a global scale to poop us people out of existence. Well, hey; they MIGHT be, y’know.

After all, we humans seem to have a fascination with animal defecation.

What am I talking about? Well, one of the most frequently heard expressions around my office is “bullsh*t.” Usually it’s spoken emphatically, as with an exclamation point behind it, and its use seems to be evenly split between management and rank and file workers.

(Reminds me; given the choice, I’d rather be the file. I mean, even though a file can be hard and abrasive, who wants to be described as “rank?” But I guess we ARE speaking of fecundity here, aren’t we?)

A secondary term with very similar connotation among the workforce is “horsesh*t.” However, I’m told that term is in more common usage up in Kentucky than down here in Texas.

Next we have “chicksh*t,” which is a very pure form of guano. This term is more often used by those who are NOT in management, but spoken in reference TO managers. Why chickens are awarded the honor of having THEIR guano held up as an example of something really petty and nasty has never been clear to me. I mean, what differentiates a chicken’s guano from, say, that of the geese we were all talking about in yesterday’s post and comments? Why isn’t something really petty and nasty referred to as “goosesh*t?” Or maybe “gracklesh*t?”

Ah, the mysteries of language.

But back to the conspiracy theory. As Christina pointed out, there was a classic Hitchcock movie about the birds attacking the people. It COULD happen. Just like all the pseudo-science we hear today about humanity-ending disasters caused by global warming, the stopping or reversal of ocean currents, or earth’s collision with a giant space rock or comet.

I’m not saying these things couldn’t happen. They MIGHT! But my opinion is (and it may be chickensh*t to say this) that it’s all bullsh*t. Or, if you live in Kentucky, horsesh*t.”

But then, I’m often accused of being full of sh*t, so what do I know?


Anonymous said...

Speaking of language, when my sons fart, they say they have "gasoline." I can't convince them of the difference. Go figure.

Karyn Lyndon said...

I believe I've heard the expression slicker 'n goosesh*t...although I have no first-hand knowledge if it's really slicker than other kinds of sh*t.

As for the conspiracy can see all they have to do is contaminate our water supply and we'd be going, going guan(o).

Nic said...

Hey my friend, you sound like you would fit right in with the Schitt family. LOL.
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep &. Schitt Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Piza Schitt.

So now if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them. Not only do you know Jack, you know his whole family.

To which I replied:

"Actually, Jack Schitt is a character in Jasper Fforde's Eyre Affair and Lost in a Good Book. So I can proudly say I knew Jack before you knew Schitt."

Duke_of_Earle said...


Wonderful!! I'm told that all the time (that I don't know Jack). I can't imagine why.

But now, with your help, I can say...

Wait... You said Awe and O. married and had kids, and one of the twins married Dumb... Wasn't he a first cousin? Same last name and all... Maybe that's why the whole family turned to schitt the next generation. (Sorry).

Nic said...

LOL, that is true. Inbreeding and all that, they must live in West Virginia or Arkansas.

kenju said...

OUCH! Nic! Poor WV'ians get that bulls**t all the time!

Nankin said...

Okay, let's muddy the water a bit. My kids were fond of using the expression, "snot bullets". I'll leave it up to you to figure out what they were referring to. At lease it wasn't s--t bullets.

Duke_of_Earle said...


I'm not sure it was the WATER that just got muddied, but...

I'd say this post and the resulting comments confirms a paragraph in my post, "After all, we humans seem to have a fascination with animal defecation." If you strike the word "animal," I'd say we just proved the point.