If you’ve followed the discussion (posts and comments) on this blog about the mildew problems on various outside surfaces of my house, you’ll know that my U.K. friend RobotJam has proposed an elegant solution.
Well, actually I mentioned it in passing first. You know — the idea about camouflage paint? My thought was that since mildew is splotchy and multi-hued by nature, the best way to prevent folks from noticing it is to paint the offending surfaces with a color on which it won’t show up. Then the mildew can form and grow to its heart’s content, and I wouldn’t have to clean the house!
(Does mildew have a heart? One doubts that very much.)
It seemed like an easier job to paint the house once rather than clean the outside once or twice a year. And then RobotJam’s extensive research revealed that camouflage paint is available in gallon containers and even in spray cans.
Spray cans? Isn’t that like the old joke about, “Go fetch me a can of striped paint?” How can you spray on a mottled, camouflage pattern of colors?
I went back to the web site (link) RJ provided and read the fine print. It says, “...when blended to U.S. military color patterns.”
OOOOHHHH! It doesn’t just come out of the can in various colors in a camouflage pattern. It must be applied as some kind of blend. Gee, maybe this won’t be such an easy solution after all. And then I started thinking (a rare experience for me, according to Carol) about the possible outcomes of applying this proper blend of colors and patterns to my house.
First, my mail delivery would stop. I mean, if the house were camouflaged, the mail-lady wouldn’t be able to see it any more as it blended into the trees, shrubbery and other background. Clearly she wouldn’t deliver mail to an address where there’s no house.
Next our utilities would be turned off (for the same reason). The electric company would notice that their wires just ended at the edge of a black roof suspended somehow above an apparent jungle. I’m sure they would disconnect those wires at the pole.
Since the house would become essentially invisible, I’d probably have to defend against lawsuits filed by people who cut across what looked like a vacant lot and ran smack into a brick wall they couldn’t see.
I might even find a car or a truck in my living room for the same reason. After all; I live on a corner lot and people do occasionally cut across the corner to take the turn faster. Especially on weekend nights when the alcohol has been flowing.
No, after some serious consideration, I think I’ll just buy some stock in Clorox and wash the mildew off once or twice a year.
But thanks anyway, RJ, for what seemed like a good idea at the time.