Thursday, December 07, 2006


Forget yesterday's poem, Tonight is when I need to be snorting Grey Goose!

I just came home from the dentist.

You know how some men have receding hairlines? Well, I have slowly receding GUM-lines. And as my gums slowly pull back from the normally visible portion of my teeth, they expose a portion that is not normally seen.

That is a very minor problem. The more serious problem is that the newly exposed areas are subject to attack, decay and wear.

Solution? Fill in the gap with a resin composite that is the same color as my teeth.

Sounds simple, doesn’t it? And it really is, except for one thing. The gum above my front teeth had to be “scalloped” to allow the composite to go under it.

Scalloping is done with a needle-like sharp instrument, initially intended as a torture device in the middle ages. I believe the “scalloping” of gums brought about more confessions of faith during the Spanish Inquisition than the rack and burning combined.

I am fundamentally a wimp when it comes to suffering the pain of dental work. The dental assistant swears I start stiffening up and moaning before the doctor even picks up a mirror. I’m sure she’s exaggerating. She also claims I break out in a cold sweat at the sound of a drill in the next office. (Now THAT may be true.)

Anyway, the good dentist shot my gums full of Novocain and scalloped away to his heart’s content. I told him I would scream if I felt any pain, and he asked me to please refrain as it might scare him. He reminded me that he didn’t need to flinch while he was manipulating a fist-full of sharp pointed objects deep in the recesses of my mouth with one hand and holding a two-horsepower high-speed zinger drill against my tooth with the other.

You don’t know what a zinger drill is? That’s the device he uses to vaporize tooth tissue. Its business end is turning so fast it produces a whine like an amplified mosquito. Remember the burning smell that always accompanies its use? Well, if he works on one small spot for just a little too long, no matter HOW much Novocain he gave you you’ll feel that sudden “ZING!” of blue, burning pain just before you pass out.

Anyway, I refrained from screaming (barely), and eventually survived to come home and wait for the Novocain to wear off. It now has.

Pass the ibuprofen and the Grey Goose, please.


Christina said...

I am way overdue for a trip to the dentist, and have been planning to make an appointment.

I'm having second thoughts!

bigwhitehat said...

I feel for you.

Badabing said...

OWWWWWWCH...I know EXACTLY what you're talkin' and I have some of the same fears let's call Vicki and order up some of that Grey Goose.

Peter said...

I see we share more than a love of poetry John!!!!!

Karyn Lyndon said...

If I were in charge anything that caused pain would be free!