Tuesday, August 23, 2005

This MAY be my last post...

...about the ongoing and ever-increasing conspiracy.

Here’s why.

Based on the many comments and emails I’ve begun to realize something. According to my laborious and totally scientific research, those messages are just about evenly split between folks who have noticed the same phenomenon for a long time, and those who were skeptical at first but THEN soon began to experience repeated failures in the areas mentioned.

(Well, OK, my scientific research consisted of just thinking back about the comments and emails, and they seemed to be about evenly split. As best I remember... I think. Aw, close enough!)

What did that tell me? (I’m not sure, so I made something up.)

It tells me that there is at least a 50-50 chance that this is all caused by a computer virus!

It’s probably spread from one computer to another, over the internet, among blog readers! In fact, I probably got it from one of YOUR blogs! (Or, maybe it was that porn site I keep going back to... Hmm...)

Anyway, as each of you reads my posts about the conspiracy, the virus spreads to your machine. If you read this at home, your computer spreads the virus through your home wiring to other appliances. Those that are connected to the plumbing (dishwasher, clothes washer, garbage disposal, etc.) spread it to the sink, toilets and outdoor taps.

As I wrote yesterday, your televisions and/or radios communicate it out to your vehicle. And the house itself picks it up from one or more of those contacts.

As for Schnoodlepooh’s pets, I can only speculate. We all know that dogs can hear frequencies that we humans can’t. And many animals are known to seek shelter before the first tremor of an earthquake. How do they know? Maybe they can pick up these signals somehow.

Keep in mind that, for now at least, this is merely a hypothesis. I haven’t extended my research to the extent I can say it is an incontrovertible fact.

But I’m close to that point.

And here’s another reason why. Sometimes I outline or draft my daily blog posts at my workplace office.

Only during my lunch break, Greg, I swear! I never spend paid work time doing personal stuff, and of course I never read other blogs at the plant.

(Note to self: Remember to erase Internet Explorer history files first thing tomorrow at work.)

Yesterday (during lunch, Greg!) I typed out some thoughts for the day’s post about the conspiracy.

About ten minutes later I hit the flush handle on a urinal in the men’s room, and... instant Niagara Falls! All over the floor. And the flow just kept on flowing! Luckily there’s a floor drain in there, so the building wasn’t flooded. (I am NOT making this up.) We had to replace the flush valve, and everything’s fine. For now!

Don’t you think the timing there is just a little bit suspect? I fear I may have spread the virus to my plant. This could have severe consequences on our manufacturing processes and future productivity!

So, Christina, maybe you were on to something about keeping quiet. I think I’ll stop posting this kind of information for a while and see if things settle down.

Now, if I could just find my meds...


Michelle said...

I wanted to post yesterday and I ran out of time. Sorry! Now you have beaten me to it. Both my dishwasher and washing stopped working at the same time and then I noticed the kettle was not working nor the microwave. This was after your conspiracy post. I threw my hands in the air and said "Thank You John's appliances, thank you very much!". They all joined forces and tripped the plug switch on my electrical mains box. I so got back at them - I let the dishwasher finish the cycle first, then boiled the water, then finished the washing - that way, they could not get me again.

Christina said...

I told you the computers were involved. It took me a while to figure it out, but now it all makes sense. The toilet may have started it all, but it spreads via internet. How else were your readers in other countries suffering the effects...oh wait...the phones...they must be...we can't talk about this anymore.

Christina said...

reminds me of the old song...

"Paranoia strikes deep
into your life it will creep.
It starts when you're always afraid,
step out of line, men come and take you away.

Stop, hey, what's that sound?"

Must be a water leak or an appliance dying somewhere.

Karyn Lyndon said...

Well, that explains why I haven't had any trouble at home...I've been reading your blog at work. Not sure if we've had trouble around here. We have a whole maintenance dept. to take care of that stuff so I would never know (unless it spilled out all over me). I agree...speak of it no more.

kenju said...

Okay, if I start having computer trouble again I know where to place the blame for it, don't I?

schnoodlepooh said...

well, Baxter had diarahea today... (gee, bet you're glad I shared that), the animals are getting ready to rebel. I think they get on my computer when I'm at work and that's how they find the virus. Also the dogs and their blog, well... of course they are exposed to these kinds of things.

Maybe you're right. If we go all hush hush about this conspiracy thing and don't let them know that we're on to them, then maybe it will die down and they'll move on to something else - ... like reality TV. oh no, not that!

Nankin said...

It sounds like a case of "I'll have my computer get in touch with your computer". I pretty much read your blog at work (also on my lunch time) so I don't know about the computers starting it. In my case it was the thermostat either being ON or OFF, no adjusting the house to a comfortable temperature. The electric bill was horrendus.

Christina said...

Oh, no, it's the computer all right. As soon as I exposed their nefarious plot (in a comment on this very blog) my laptop rebelled and I have been unable to go online since last night. I was just able to finally resolve the problem. That was too close for comfort though. We must never speak of this evil again.

Karyn Lyndon said...

Interfering with Internet access is the ultimate evil...we must all pinkie-swear silence lest we are rendered unable to communicate ever again!