Remember the Elvis song, "Return to Sender?"

(Earworm alert!)

From the fifties. Here are the lyrics — see if you remember the tune:

I gave a letter to the postman,
he put it his sack.
Bright in early next morning,
he brought my letter back.

She wrote upon it:
Return to sender, address unknown.
No such number, no such zone.
We had a quarrel, a lover's spat
I write I'm sorry but my letter keeps coming back.

So then I dropped it in the mailbox
And sent it special D.
Bright in early next morning
it came right back to me.

She wrote upon it:
Return to sender, address unknown.
No such number, no such zone.

This time I'm gonna take it myself
and put it right in her hand.
And if it comes back the very next day
then I'll understand

The writing on it:
Return to sender, address unknown.
No such person, no such zone.

Ah, yes. A golden oldie!

Well, somehow that song got into an endless loop going round and round in my head. Then I wondered if I could change the lyrics, but keep them similar enough that the original melody would still work and remind the "hearer" of Elvis' song.

Here's what I came up with. This is for all the ladies out there struggling to lose pounds. And don't be offended; it's a parody!

The Anorexic’s Boyfriend’s Lament
(With apologies to Elvis)

I got a picture from my girl friend,
Her dress looked like a sack!
She was as skinny as a rail bird
So I sent her picture back.

I wrote upon it:
Return, too slender! Dress size unknown!
You got no figure, no meat on those bones.
I like ‘em healthy, plus-sized and stacked!
She was always skinny but she thought that she looked fat.

She wrote to tell me she was sorry,
She’d lost the weight for me.
She even sent another picture,
But I sent it back, special D.

I wrote upon it:
Return, too slender! Dress size unknown!
You got no figure, no meat on those bones.

Next time I’m gonna pick one myself
And tell her ‘fore I ask for her hand
That if I find out she wants to get thin,
She’d better understand;

I’m gonna say:
Return, too slender! Dress size unknown.
No girlish figure, no meat on those bones!

Ah, return, too slender.
Return, too slender.
Return, too slender.

My grandson. A prodigy?

Probably both(?) of you who read this blog already saw my daughter Joy’s Facebook post about this, but lemme tell you what her son (my grandson) did this weekend.

His dad, Johnny, was browsing around eBay looking at ultra lights, powered parachutes, and the like. He then walked away from the computer.

Joy noticed her son a bit later “messing” with the computer. She asked him, “Trevor, what are you doing?”

No response. She ignored him for a few minutes, and then became curious.

Now remember . . . he’s only 4 (almost 5).

She checked the screen, and just about croaked! Actually, according to her Facebook post she “shit a brick.” (I’ve never had that experience, but it sounds painful.)

She saw that the current high bid for the powered parachute on the screen was her husband’s! Knowing that he hadn’t actually intended to buy anything (especially in the $6,000 - $7,000 range) she suspected Trevor. She checked “her husband’s” maximum bid.

Are you ready?

$600,010.00!! That’s when the brick episode occurred. Trevor had not only entered that amount as their maximum bid, he had confirmed it!

After some frantic maneuvering, she was able to contact the seller and arrange to retract their bid, restoring that particular auction to normalcy. So, all ended well.

But here’s the funniest part: She had exclaimed to her husband, "Trevor just bid SIX HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS ON EBAY!"

Trevor spoke up. “No, Mommy. It was six hundred thousand . . . and TEN.”

C’mon, Mom. Get it right, willya?

Insanity?

I ran across a famous quote today. I have used it myself, occasionally.

It is often attributed to Einstein, and goes like this: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.”

I’ve had observers apply that quote to my golf swing. I’ll think I’m changing a key aspect (grip, stance, angle, etc.) but they tell me they can’t see any change, and sure enough the ball keeps curving sideways. Time after time after time.

But today I had a different take on the saying. I saw it in a work-related article about the new health care bill, but the context isn’t germane. I just chuckled at it and went on.

Not long afterward I overheard co-workers complaining about a software application which seemed to display images differently each time they were opened.

That’s when it occurred to me – Einstein died in 1955 and never had the opportunity to deal with a Windows computer! He would have realized that there are some cases in which doing the same thing time after time DOES produce different results!

Thus he would have changed his definition of insanity. Something like this: “Insanity lies in expecting ANY two Windows computers to produce identical results after identical input.”

Right?

(All you Mac users know what I’m talking about.)

I get letters . . . and emails . . .

I’m an HR manager. People want jobs. It’s logical that they’ll contact me, right?

Well, of course! Part of my job when we have openings is to fill those vacancies with qualified applicants. I do that through a process called screening.

This screening is predicated on the assumption that there are more applicants than positions. And in my long career I’ve NEVER had fewer applicants than openings. Thus I have to assess each applicant to determine the best, most qualified one(s) for the job(s) I have.

Screening begins at first contact, which most often is in writing. A letter. An application form. Or today, maybe an email.

If you’re looking for a job and contact me in writing, wouldn’t you try to make a positive first impression? Of course you would! But then, maybe you’re different from a lot of people.

Here’s an email that came to my address yesterday. I’ve changed nothing except the name and email address. I didn’t even have to change the phone number (you’ll see why).

__________________________________________
From: Mark Smith [mailto:marksmith3@yahoo.com]
Sent: Tuesday, March 23, 2010 10:10 AM
To: Earle, John
Subject:

hello my name is mark smith i was looking to see if there was anyway that i can get a chance to be able to work at the plant, i just turned 18 and i really do need a job. if you need any info message me or call my number is 956-209865 think you and have a nice day.
__________________________________________

Now, each year I go to our local high school and present to seniors something I call “Getting the Job.” I talk about the screening process, how it all really works, what hiring companies are really looking for, and what they do and DON’T care about.

I explain why we HR meanies screen OUT applicants before we even see them or know whether or not they’re qualified. (Because we don’t have TIME to interview 30-50 applicants to fill one job!) Is that FAIR? Probably not! But it’s how the system works.

Knowing we only want to actually interview about 5 people out of the 30-50 applicants, we screen out based on spelling, grammar, and content in the person’s writing. Is that a valid predictor of future job performance? Again, probably not! But it’s all we’ve got, initially.

No, I won’t be calling poor Mr. Smith above. I can’t—he left a digit out of his phone number. I could (and I might) reply to his email. If I do, I’ll try to gently suggest that in future contacts with ANY prospective employer he be a little less . . . uh . . . casual. In fact, I’ll give him an example of a properly written and formatted employment query.

Heck, I do it for the local high school seniors! Why not him, too?

Think you.

Not AGAIN!?!

Our house is 38 years old, and we’ve lived in it for 24. Last October we replaced the two original wooden overhead garage doors with sparkling new steel-and-foam-sandwich insulated doors (can you say, “Energy Tax Credit?”).

I mean, we replaced everything; doors, electric openers, guide rails, rollers, remotes. . . THE WORKS!

And they are NICE! Whisper-quiet opening system (belt drive), and good, strong solid doors that almost glide up and down the rails. Expensive, yes; but I expected them to last as long as I own the house.

Did you catch the use of the past tense in that last sentence? Not a typo.

A few mornings ago while I was at work, Carol pushed the “open” button on the wall, and “her” door went up. Er . . . It started to go up! After about two feet of travel she heard a noise and the door stopped. She didn’t see anything wrong, so pushed the button again thinking that the door would reverse and go back down. But no, it started UP again(??). Accompanied by a cacophony of pops, cracks and groans, the door struggled to the top of its travel and stopped, but two of the four panels had buckled and sagged in the middle over her car.

She called me at work. I advised her to get her car out (quickly!), but not to touch the button, or her remote. I then called the company that had installed the doors and described what Carol told me. They sent a repair technician immediately.

He examined everything and left, scratching his head. He told us we’d hear from his boss.

The boss called later. “Can’t possibly be a defect in the doors or opening system. Never seen anything like it in 25 years in the business, but definitely not a warranty case. I’ll sell you a new door for $625.”

I asked, “So what damaged the door!? It was fine the day before. It lowered just fine the night before it failed.”

Answer: “Had to be something hit it from the outside when it was down, damaging the panels.”

Oka-a-a-ay.

I called the police to report apparent vandalism. (Not that the police could DO anything about it, but in case there were other reports of this kind of vandalism in our neighborhood, they needed to know.) An officer came and looked over the situation. His assessment: “No marks or scratches on the outside of the door. No broken glass or other indications. You heard no noises during the night, right? Nope, no other reports of problems around here. Definitely not vandalism. Probably the door jammed going up and buckled.”

Gee, if it wasn’t the door . . . and it wasn’t damage from somebody, then . . . ??

I KNOW!! IT HAD TO BE THE . . . oops (shhh) ycaripsnoc!!

Anyway, you know what THAT means! Plumbing will start leaking, electrical appliances will start failing, your home may develop strange cracks in the walls, and your car will start making noises and having mechanical problems.

Likely your computer will freeze, your hard drive will fry, and your modem will stop modem-ing.

Be warned! Be alert! And be afraid!

Why Trampolines are Dangerous in Texas

Nuff said?

Military Wisdom

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." — Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." — US Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons." — General MacArthur

"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." — U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways." — U.S. Army Ordnance Manual

"Five second fuses only last three seconds." — Infantry Journal

The three most useless things in aviation are: Fuel in the bowser; Runway behind you; and Air above you. — Basic Flight Training Manual

"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once." — Maritime Ops Manual

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." — Unknown Marine Recruit

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." — USAF Ammo Troop

"You've never been lost until you"ve been lost at Mach 3." — Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire." —Unknown Author

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter — and therefore, unsafe." — Fixed Wing Pilot

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash." — Multi-Engine Training Manual

"Without ammunition, the USAF is just an expensive flying club." — Unknown Author

"If you hear me yell; 'Eject, Eject, Eject!,' the last two will be echos. If you stop to ask 'Why?' you"ll be talking to yourself, because you're the pilot." — Pre-flight Briefing from a 104 Pilot

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies." — Sign over Control Tower Door

"Never trade luck for skill." — Author Unknown

"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight." — Basic Flight Training Manual

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation — we have never left one up there!" — Unknown Author

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it." — Emergency Checklist

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." — Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." — Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to." — Sign over Carrier Group Operations Desk

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal." — Lead-in Fighter Training Manual

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives. The rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?" The pilot"s reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"

(As a former U.S. Navy carrier jet pilot, I found many of these to be both reminiscent of my own military experience, and true.)

The Shredder

A young engineer, who had graduated with distinction, was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the Company President standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the President, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the President as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."

Lesson: Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.


(This was sent to my company's managers by its President. At least he has a sense of humor . . . and maybe reality!)

Birthday card fun

The Earle family is not big on picking out special birthday gifts. Often Carol and I don't even buy the other one a gift for a birthday.

Oh, we always celebrate; usually with dinner out, some wine, or maybe even a round of golf at a slightly more "upscale" course than the ones we usually play. For our adult "kids" we usually just send the gift everyone wants -- a check!

Ah, but card selection is a different matter altogether! The message on the card is critical, and might require trips to several stores over a few days to find the one that is just right.

My daughters and I try to outdo each other with really awful puns. When I think I've found one for a daughter that's bad enough I show it to Carol. If she gags and retches, it's perfect!

But Carol and I, when picking out a card for each other, try for humor that's a bit more subtle. We also search for a message that will have a special meaning for the recipient. Maybe a double entendre. Even better, a card that's not intended to have a double entendre, but for us it does because of one of our (usually my) foibles.

We are not wine snobs. Oh, sorry, I meant wine "connoisseurs." We enjoy a glass of wine with a meal, and usually know if a particular wine is a red or a white (or even a "blush!"), but beyond that it's either smooth and pleasant, or it bites.

However, often a glass of wine (especially TWO glasses) leaves us in a fond, romantic mood.

That "foible" made this card she recently bought for me that much more appropriate:



Here's the inside:

I'll leave it to you to figure out what the W. P. initials stand for.

Remember Karyn Lyndon?

I can say, "I knew her before she was famous. We used to trade blog barbs."

Her blog address is in my sidebar (down a ways on the right -- it's the one called "Who Let the Blogs Out?" )

Anyway, if you'll click on that link you'll see that she has her first book out, called "CurvyKathy31."

Yeah, I know -- weird title. But it makes sense once you read the book.

I think you ought to check it out. Hey, you can buy the PDF or HTML download version for just $6, and I promise it's worth it.

I wrote a review of it for Amazon.com (where only the paperback is for sale; personally, I'd buy it from the publisher's site).

Here's the review. I mean every word.

CurvyKathy31

Author: Karyn Lyndon

It sounded like a stereotypical chick-lit tale with internet chat-room and Instant Message lingo as a hook. I figured it was probably poorly written with lots of sex, little plot, and no characterization.

I was wrong.

Within the first few pages I realized that Kathy was a very smart, introspective, clever heroine. Did I mention capable, imaginative, and sweet? The story has lots to offer besides the romance angle, with enough twists and turns to make you dizzy in a delightful, "Why didn't I see THAT coming?" kind of way.

I promise you'll laugh out loud. (Oops, I mean lol!) And I almost guarantee you'll get tears in parts, unless you're made of granite.

The sex is torrid, the conflicts are real and intense, and the pages almost turn themselves. Within the first 20 pages I was telling myself, "This woman (Lyndon) is really sharp. How does she come up with these?"

Examples:

"Jeez. No doubt about it. The man gave good Email, especially for a rookie."

". . . his big boat seemed to compensate for his little dinghy."

"My palms were wet and my throat dry . . . Isn't it weird how nervousness can cause two opposite reactions at the very same moment, kind of like the amazing way yogurt can cure both constipation and diarrhea?"

"I was starting to feel like Mrs. Doubtfire, running back and forth between tables at the restaurant. The good news was I didn't have to change clothes."

". . . that was exactly the kind of person I was, always led by my emotions instead of my brain."

(Don't believe this last one! CurvyKathy's brain is her best--if not her biggest--asset.)


This book had everything I love in a novel: catchy humor, an intriguing story line, characters with breadth and depth, and a well-thought-out, satisfying ending. (Just wait `til you read the climax!)

I may not have quite fallen in love with Ms. Lyndon (yet), but I can't wait to catch her next title when it comes out. I'm dying to see if she can top this first effort.

The suicide pilot and the IRS

This week’s story about the man who deliberately flew his small plane into the Austin IRS offices has struck a chord in many. It brought to my mind the true story I wrote about in 2005. I’ve reproduced the story (three separate blog posts) below.

The man in my tale also felt driven to the verge of suicide, but his despair lacked the rage to direct itself at the IRS.

I’m glad.


Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Dealing with a tax levy.

I hope you never have to.

Fortunately I’ve never had the personal pleasure of much contact with the IRS.

Oh, there was that one time about 16 years ago when they questioned one of my deductions. What made it nerve-wracking was they didn’t choose to tell me in the letter they sent that it was a single charitable contribution they were interested in.

NO, they just sent a “Dear Taxpayer” letter telling me to appear in person with all my records for an “examination” of my 1988 return. They don’t use the word “audit;” it’s an “examination.”

I dutifully loaded up a medium size cardboard carton with all my receipts, records, check stubs, bank statements, and on and on. I showed up in the lobby of the Federal Building feeling like a criminal, and cooled my heels for about 30 minutes past my “appointment” time. Shoot, THEY were in no hurry. They knew I wasn’t going anywhere.

When I walked into the examiner’s office and she informed me that all she wanted was documentation on one contribution, I almost wept in relief. Shoot, I had that! And sure enough, within about ten minutes I was skipping out the door and down the street to where I’d parked the car, feeling like a kid just let out of school for summer vacation!

But I’ve never had to face a tax levy. That only happens if you’re delinquent in your taxes, you’ve set up a good-faith payment schedule, and you then fail to make your scheduled payments.

Trust me; you don’t want to do that. It just happened to one of my employees.

No, they won’t throw you in jail. Why not? You can’t PAY them if you’re in jail. They want you to keep your job, and maybe work a second one as well.

But they will obtain a court order to attach ALL or your wages (except, of course, your taxes, Social Security, and voluntary deductions for such things as health insurance and other benefits) and then they’ll let you take home a minimal, fixed amount based on your filing status (single, married) and your number of exemptions. All the rest, however much it may be, they make your employer send to them.

In the case of my employee who files single with just one exemption, he’s allowed to take home a maximum of (get this)... $158 a week! That’s it.

You say you can’t live on that? They don’t care. You say your home will be repossessed, along with your car? They don’t care. The IRS has no compassion.

And guess what? If you take a second job, they’ll levy those wages too. For how long? Until the entire amount you owe, including interest and penalties, is paid.

As this guy’s employer we’d like to be compassionate and fudge for him. But we can’t. It’s a court order, after all. If we knowingly ignore or violate it, I could go to jail. So, sorry Mr. Q. Have fun on $158 a week.

I hope you never have to experience a run-in with the IRS.
POSTED BY DUKE_OF_EARLE AT 5:15 PM



Thursday, October 06, 2005
Nowhere to Run, Nowhere to Hide?

(Martha and the Vandellas, 1965. If you care.)

So what do you do if the IRS levies all your income except $158 a week, and you can’t live on that?

Well, most of you out there who read this are married with family responsibilities. That complicates matters, but it also presents the opportunity for your spouse to go to work, or take a second job to make ends meet. The IRS can’t levy your spouse’s earnings, unless he/she were a party to your non-payment.

Of course, you would also do whatever you could to reduce your weekly expenses. Like car-pool if possible, eat cheaply, and generally live as frugally as you could. You might even sell some things at a garage sale, or trade in that high-payment car for an older cheaper model.

But what if...

You were single with no dependents? You were renting a cheap place by the month because after your divorce your spouse took most of what you had (including the kids) and left you with just the debts and child-support payments?

And what it your car was already an old clunker? And you couldn’t get out from under your debts because of the tax levy and the court-ordered child support — there wasn’t even enough left to set up any long-term payment plans?

And what if there were no way you could borrow any more to help consolidate debts because your credit was already shot? And the only thing tying you to this geographic area was your good-paying job with great benefits — except that now the IRS gets all of your paycheck so the job won’t seem good-paying no matter HOW much you make?

Finally, what if you thought you knew how to get some counterfeit (fake) ID, including a Social Security card?

Would you be tempted to drive your old clunker quietly out of state, set yourself up with a new job somewhere else, and drop out of "the system?”

Sure, the new job would be entry level and low paying, but you’d take home more than $158 a week and you wouldn’t have to worry about all those debts. You wouldn’t be able to marry without your past coming back to haunt you, but you’re not interested in that right now; you’re consumed with fear and anxiety over your hopeless financial situation.

I’m not saying it would be easy. But it wouldn’t be all that hard, either.

It sure is tempting to my employee (see yesterday’s post). I’ve tried to counsel him that “run and hide” is NOT the best option. We’ve discussed the company’s Employee Assistance Program and other “safety net” agencies and programs available locally that might help. He seems dubious.

We’ll see if he stays, or just doesn’t show up for work one of these days. Ever again.
POSTED BY DUKE_OF_EARLE AT 4:18 PM


Thursday, December 01, 2005
Follow-up (Somewhat Unbelievable)

Remember my posts about one of my employees with a tax levy from the IRS?

No? Well, for a quick review check out this post and this post from back in early October.

Okay, now that you’re up to speed, here’s the follow up. (Initials have been changed to protect confidentiality.)

Mr. Q tried to live on the $158 per week the IRS allowed him to take home. After a month or two, when doing so (living) became obviously impossible, he petitioned for a reduction in the amount of the levy. He called the same “1-800” number 6 times over a few weeks, but each time was connected to a different IRS office. As you might expect, he received no help at all from some, and conflicting information from others.

He pleaded with me for help, but I had a court-ordered levy to deal with. I couldn’t ignore it, nor could I stop sending the levied amount to the IRS without written instructions from the IRS. I sent him back to the IRS to ask them for something in writing that I could use to reduce his levied amount.

This week he came to me in tears (a bit disconcerting — this is not a man prone to them). A lady in an IRS office in California had told him they only expected us to be sending them $590 per month on his behalf, and we were sending almost $1,800. She didn’t understand why. She had an agreement, signed by a Mrs. C, which stated the $590 number.

Just so you’ll know; Mrs. C is our company’s payroll administrator. She works for me. I asked her about this alleged “agreement,” and she produced a copy of the only thing she had ever signed and sent to the IRS. It was VERY CLEARLY not any kind of agreement. It was simply a cover sheet that went along with the first check we sent them on Mr. Q’s behalf. That first check had been for $590.

This was no “agreement...” but if the IRS thought it was... and accepted it as such... AND (most importantly) if somebody changed his account records in their computer system to show that they HAD such an “agreement”... Well, all would be wonderful.

Apparently that’s exactly what happened.

Today Mr. Q, Mrs. C and I called the 1-800 number from my speakerphone so we could all participate. We were on hold forever, but then were connected to a Mr. White. He listened to the dilemma, checked the computer records, agreed that Mr. Q had an agreement with the IRS, and only owed them $590 per month!

When I explained my need for something in writing to authorize me to amend the current levy, Mr. White agreed again. He kept us on hold for a loooooong time. Twice he came back on to ask us a question, and then we were back on hold.

Then he asked for my fax number, and a minute later I had my signed, written authorization. Since we are processing the current pay period’s payroll today, this allowed me to immediately change the levy and spare Mr. Q another two weeks of extreme hardship.

Now, that would be reason enough to celebrate and marvel that the IRS had made such a goof and it actually benefited a taxpayer. But if you’ve gotten this far, read on a bit.

When I thanked Mr. White for all of his empathetic efforts, and told him that he may have literally saved a life today (Mr. Q told me he was wondering why he should go on living), Mr. White said, “Well, the Lord has me here for some reason, I guess. But I’m just doing my job.” (That from an IRS agent!?)

At that, Mr. Q’s tears began to flow again and he stepped out of my office. He had been on his knees last night in desperation, asking God to intervene. Mrs. C got teary as well. She has prayed about this situation, feeling terrible for Mr. Q. But worse, as the payroll administrator SHE had to arrange for that horrible levy every payday. She had also asked God to intervene.

Now get this: The paper she signed that became this “agreement” that the IRS accepted and then cut the levy by two-thirds, contained the $590 figure in error! In figuring up that first check (it was the first time she had ever done this) she exempted some amounts that were not supposed to have been exempted. From that first erroneous check until now, the amount we’ve had to take out of Mr. Q’s biweekly check has been hundreds higher.

You can easily attribute these events to a government snafu or a comedy of IRS errors that worked out okay for once.

I choose to believe that God answers prayer, and has intervened.
POSTED BY DUKE_OF_EARLE AT 5:10 PM

Home again, home again, jiggedy-jig.

Yes, as reported in my last post, we are home. I have now been to the office to work for 5 consecutive days, getting caught up as is inevitable after an absence.

Actually I’ve accomplished very little, because during my absence our I.T. guys converted my office computer from Windows XP to Windows 7. Oh, don’t misunderstand – Windows 7 is fine! The machine is fast, and I like some of the new bells and whistles that do improve the user’s experience compared to both XP and Vista (which I’m running here at home.)

But with a new OS on the machine, they had to re-install all of the programs I use. Mainly Microsoft Office 2007. And they run pretty much the same, but I had to re-establish all the little settings and preferences that I was used to: default filing areas, email handling, location of the preview pane in Outlook, advanced features in Word and Excel that I use, and so on.

I had been using all those features for so long I’d forgotten HOW to set them up! So I spent most of the week just getting my work station back the way I wanted it.

Meanwhile Carol succeeded in getting all the ski paraphernalia washed and stowed away for next year, all the leftover food either frozen or put up in small portions for meals in the coming days and weeks (yes, we took WAY too much food for dinners), and getting the car and house back in order.

OH, Jack K. asked what books we listened to on the trip. The first was No Safe Place by Richard North Patterson, a political thriller about a candidate in the final week of the primary elections for the Democratic Presidential nomination. Extremely well done. In two separate “scenes” Mr. Patterson built the tension to a level that had me gripping the steering wheel in suspense! I highly recommend it.

The other is Brimstone by Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child, a murder mystery with sufficient lurid details and twists of plot to keep anyone enthralled.

Both were good escapist fare, and helped the miles pass quickly.

On long driving trips we generally select books based on the greatest number of CDs (longest books). Often we don’t finish a book before arriving home. In those cases we then sit for about an hour each evening listening together in the living room until we get to the end.

Stories of the trip will come, but not tonight.

Oh, and for those of you not familiar with it, I took the title of this post from the nursery rhyme:

To market, to market, to buy a fat pig.
Home again, home again, jiggedy-jig.

To market, to market, to buy a fat hog.
Home again, home again, jiggedy-jog.

The Cookies Are All Eaten!

Er . . . Not really. But the ski trip is over (darn it!), and everyone is safely home (thank God!), so that chapter has closed.

Except for the stories I can now tell about it.

(Heh heh heh.)

But that'll have to wait for another post. I have just driven from Denver to Victoria on Saturday and Sunday, arriving home today at about 2:00 pm. We have unloaded the filthy car (its bath will come soon), unpacked the many boxes and suitcases it contained, filled the dirty clothes hamper, and stowed much of the gear that does not need to be washed. The rest of it will be cleaned over the next few days and carefully put away until 2011.

I'm tired.

We listened to a recorded book going and for a few hours on the way home, then listened to most of another on the REST of the way home. We will listen to more of it tonight and plan to retire early. Tomorrow it's back to work for me, and laundry/clean-up time for Carol.

Stories to come!

The cookies are all baked!

. . . and the house smells heavenly!

Not to mention that the cookies taste better than the house smells!

Also, we have staged in the den most of the "stuff" we're hauling to Colorado for skiing with the exception of our suitcases with traveling clothes, toiletries, etc. That happens tomorrow night, after which we load up the car with everything except the food in the freezer and the fridge.

Saturday we hit the road before dawn, hoping to make at least Raton, NM or maybe Trinidad, CO. On Super Sunday we'll arrive, unload, get set up, rent our ski equipment, figure out what we forgot to bring and whether or not we need to replace it, welcome family and friends, and get some rest.

Monday we hit the mountain!

More to come.

I'd seen these before, but I still laughed out loud

The Zen of Sarcasm

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

10 . Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day .

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
12 . If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

My Wife -- Imelda?

Carol and I have been married a long time.

Occasionally people will ask, "How long have you two been married?" Carol will usually begin to do the math in her head (which doesn't take her long because she's a very sharp lady). I, however, immediately blurt out the correct answer, which is (take note husbands), "Not long enough!"

That always earns me a smile and points. NOW who's sharp?

But I digress: In those many years since we said our vows, we have noticed a recurring phenomenon. We will occasionally find a product we really like. It's always just right for us. It fits our needs perfectly. It's comfortable, in every sense of the word. It's well-made. Sometimes it's even available at a lower price than similar but not-so-perfect items.

These products can be a simple as a hand-held gadget for the kitchen or as complex as a motor vehicle. A garment. A tool (hand or powered). A bed-pillow. A particular restaurant's version of General Joe Chicken (Szechuan style -- yum!), and so on.

How do we find these perfect items? Well, we shop carefully. We compare. We discuss our likes and dislikes about similar items we've tried that aren't perfect. Plus sometimes we're just damn lucky and stumble onto "it."

What's the recurring phenomenon I mentioned? It seems to be one of those immutable laws of nature, like the fact that the dropped slice of bread always lands buttered-side down. It is the apparent FACT that not long after we find one of these items/products/devices/garments, etc., it is discontinued.

Oh, maybe not immediately, but soon! Want some examples?

I've written on this blog in the past about our early SUV, a 1984 3/4-ton Dodge van. We put over 200,000 miles on that van in 13 years, and loved it! By 1996 Dodge had improved their van but hadn't changed the basic design, so we gave the old one away (literally, to a friend) and bought a brand new one just like it. By 2008 the "new" one was getting long in the tooth, so we thought about replacing it. You guessed it; Chrysler had quit making the vans.

I mentioned General Joe chicken above. Here in Victoria there was just one restaurant that got it right, with just enough hot spices to make your nose sniffly, but not enough to burn away the taste. Yep, they went out of business.

Anyway, our solution to this damnable phenomenon is this: Once we find one of those perfect products (other than perishable stuff, like General Joe chicken) we stock up.

Is there a point here? Does it have anything to do with the post's title? YES!!

My wonderful wife Carol has discovered the most comfortable shoes she has EVER worn in all those years of our marriage and beyond. You may have seen them—they are Skechers Shape-Ups. (No, I'm NOT getting paid to endorse this product.) (Darn it.) These are walking shoes with a boat-shaped, rounded sole that allows you to roll from heel to toe as you walk.

This rounded sole is cushioned and designed such that the entire sole of your foot is supported throughout each step -- even if you have very high arches. Some reviews say it feels like walking in sand, but without the resistance.

Now . . . YOU may not like these shoes. But Carol says she may never wear another shoe in her life that isn't one of these Shape-Ups.

After wearing her first pair for about a week, she bought another. Then another. Then a pair of low-top boots of the same brand and design. She's going to try playing golf in a pair (instead of her soft-spiked golf shoes), and if successful will keep a pair just for golf.

Yesterday we bought, assembled and installed in her closet a horizontal storage rack just to contain all these shoes. This for a lady who already had plenty of shoes she used to think were comfortable.

So . . . All of that to say these two things: First, if you want to try on a pair of these Shechers Shape-Ups for yourself you'd better hurry. Experience tells me they won't be making them for much longer.

And second, if they DO keep making them for a few more months you may want to buy stock in the companys that makes shoe storage racks, because Imelda Carol will be buying more of them soon.

More ski trip prep

One week from today we'll be heading for Denver!

Or, actually, heading for the area around Raton, NM, or Trinidad, CO. That's about as far as we can manage in one long day of driving. The long range forecast doesn't show another storm coming across the Southwest then, but it such a storm develops we may alter our course to head straight north into Kansas, and then West on I-70.

Either way we'll make it to Denver by next Sunday morning, stop for groceries and supplies, and trek across Berthoud Pass to Winter Park.

Still, there's a lot to do between now and then. We've already begun gathering up all the winter gear and garments. We'll have to get all of the golf paraphernalia out of the SUV and rearrange the seating/storage.

Aside: we thought about golf this weekend, and may still play tomorrow if the wind eases a bit. Today we have bright sunshine and afternoon temps in the low 50s, but the wind is 15-20 and pretty biting. Wimps that we are, we're skipping golf today.

The one preparation that is of PARAMOUNT importance this week isall Carol's responsibility. It is . . .

COOKIES!!!

In past years I've copied into a blog post the actual recipe, and if anyone is interested I can do so again (or email it to you). These are the World's Best Chocolate Chip, Oatmeal, Peanut Butter, Wheat Germ, and Whole Wheat Cookies, and thus (with all those ingredients) actually good for you.

They are at least as good as anything the elves in Tolkein's Lord of the Rings trilogy could make, and MUCH better than anything the elves at Keeblers make.

We'd survive if we forgot most anything else, but the COOKIES are vital!

(It's not "cookies," it's always "COOKIES!!")

Oh, and I just HAD to borrow this quote found on talented artist Ryan Wolf's blog:

"Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face."
Dave Barry

Be careful what you post!

You knew that, right? Seems like the rule is, "Once on the Internet, ALWAYS on the Internet!"

Oh sure, you can always delete blog posts. But once they've been up there you have no control over who might copy what you wrote, publish it no telling where, and put in there a reference to YOUR blog. And if you (like me) actually identify yourself with a real name, a real home town, and a real email address, you can ALWAYS be found.

What am I babbling about?

Well, I had a phone call today at work from Area Code 571. The first time the call came in I glanced at the number, didn't recognize the area code, and let it go to voice mail. Hey, I had someone in my office and it was an important conversation! Anyway, that number called me three times and on the third time I answered.

On the line was a very nice lady from Northern Virginia (suburb of D.C.) who was conducting a survey about needle coke. She had Googled the term, and found this very blog!

Yes, back in 2006 I wrote a post titled "What is Needle Coke?" Here's a link to it, since I just KNOW you're going to rush over there to read the post!

Or, you can just Google "needle coke" and my blog post is the 5th item down from the top.

What she really wanted was some inside information about PRICING of needle coke, and I really couldn't help her there since we don't publish prices. Needle coke is one of those commodities that, if you wanted some you'd probably already know the approximate cost.

Anyway, we had a very pleasant conversation. And likely she will produce an article in some high-dollar publication quoting me as an unnamed "industry insider" who would only speak "off the record."

(I told her I was just the HR guy, and didn't really know much about the business side of our operation, so please don't quote me by name. She MIGHT even have believed me!)

Anyway, I figure if a short post I wrote in August of 2006 is significant enough for someone to track me down in my office at the plant and ask me a bunch of questions, WHO KNOWS what will happen when someone reads some of my OTHER posts?

They might learn about the ycaripsnoc and identify it for all to see -- then we'll all be in BIG trouble!

So be careful what you post!

Or hide your identity well.

Not so much of a match-up after all

Vikings defense was awesome.

Dallas never had a chance once they started turning the ball over.

Good for Favre! You gotta love it for him.

Ski trip progress

Yep, it’s about time for the annual Earle family ski trip. February is our traditional time and, since we are a traditional family by nature, it’ll be in February again this year

As I have noted in past posts, we Earles have been accused of taking our vacations VERY seriously. Right, Tina? (You know who you are!) Well, why not? After all, much of the fun is in the anticipation and preparation.

Why so much preparation? Glad you asked!

We are, by turns, extravagant and penny-pinching. In order to penny-pinch we have to shop for the very best advance deals on:

1. Getting there, including airfares for those who are flying and motel reservations for those who drive but spend a night on the road.

2. Early-purchase discounted lift tickets (a HUGE saving).

3. Meals for the entire week, which Carol prepares in advance in quantity (like stew, and spaghetti sauce, and so on) and then freezes. This avoids the expense of eating out daily or buying those $10 hamburgers for lunch at the restaurants on the mountain.

4. Ski and other cold weather apparel, which costs MUCH more at the resort than in your local sporting goods and outdoor stores—especially when they are having a sale!

All of that penny-pinching allows us the extravagance of our accommodations at the resort and our blow-out final dinner at a Denver restaurant before we all go our separate ways to our separate homes in Tampa, Chicago, and Texas.

Here's a shot of the whole group from last year just before that blow-out dinner, in our matching official Earle Family Ski Sweaters, each of which (the sweaters, that is) comes with a Certificate of Authenticity:


This year we are including a couple from Virginia as well, but they can’t stay for the whole week and will thus miss much of the total experience, to their loss.

More on all of this later. I’m cutting this post short to prepare for watching the Dallas Cowboys play the Vikings this afternoon. Romo versus Favre—what a match-up!

Later, all.