At about 3:00 pm. Yes, in the shade.
As the song says, "Too hot to fish, too hot for golf..."
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Wednesday, August 04, 2010
A REAL Blast from the Past
(If you've never seen this, or, like me, have forgotton most of it, prepare to snort your beverage through your nose!)
56 B.C. AND ALL THAT
RICHARD LEDERER
It is truly astounding what havoc students can wreak upon the chronicles of the human race. I have pasted together the following history of the world from genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot. RL
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies, and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. Early Egyptian women often wore a garment called a calasiris. It was a sheer dress which started beneath the breasts which hung to the floor.
56 B.C. AND ALL THAT
RICHARD LEDERER
It is truly astounding what havoc students can wreak upon the chronicles of the human race. I have pasted together the following history of the world from genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot. RL
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies, and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. Early Egyptian women often wore a garment called a calasiris. It was a sheer dress which started beneath the breasts which hung to the floor.
The pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Egyptians built the pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, “Am I my brother's son?"
God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his 12 sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines
.
Later came Job, who had one trouble after another. Eventually, he lost all his cattle and all his children and had to go live alone with his wife in the desert.
Later came Job, who had one trouble after another. Eventually, he lost all his cattle and all his children and had to go live alone with his wife in the desert.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
In the Olympian Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.
Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Roman because they never stayed in one place for very long.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”
Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Rome came to have too many luxuries and baths. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. They took two baths in two days, and that’s the cause of the fall of Rome. Rome was invaded by ball bearings, and is full of fallen arches today.
Rome came to have too many luxuries and baths. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. They took two baths in two days, and that’s the cause of the fall of Rome. Rome was invaded by ball bearings, and is full of fallen arches today.
Then came the Middle Ages, when everyone was middle aged. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery with brave knights on prancing horses and beautiful women. King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. And victims of the bluebonnet plague grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. During this time, people put on morality plays about ghosts, goblins, virgins, end other mythical creatures. Another story was about William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance.
The government of England was a limited mockery. From the womb of Henry VIII Protestantism was born. He found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.
Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted “hurrah.” Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removeable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. Shakespeare was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
In one of Shakespeare's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. His mind is filled with the filth of incestuous sheets which he pours over every time he sees his mother. In another play, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. The clown in As You Like It is named Touchdown, and Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin invented electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. His farewell address was Mount Vernon.
Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Lincoln said, "In onion then is strength."
Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlight¬enment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t have any children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Speaking of bad puns . . .
(See post below. Hey, I DID mention puns!)
(And yes, I realize that "bad puns" is redundant.)
You know how sometimes you are presented with an opportunity you just can't resist? Even thought you KNOW you'll regret it later?
Well . . .
Last week at work I attended a safety meeting (I know . . . BOOOORRR -- ing), the topic of which is immaterial. I was drifting in and out of paying attention, when Mark (the presenter) made an analogy. His point was that if you get used to seeing the same thing over and over and over again in constant repetition, pretty soon you just stop seeing the "thing" and focus on the repetition.
He said, "For example, if you're looking at rows and rows of numbers that are all 3s, eventually if a couple of 4s are included your eyes will pass right over them, right?"
Mysad excuse for a brain figuratively went "click."
I blurted out, "You mean you can't see the fours for the threes?"
After a brief puzzled pause, the room cleared as people ran for the rest rooms to vomit.
(Read the sentence aloud, slowly, making "fours" a two-syllable word.)
(Sorry!)
(And yes, I realize that "bad puns" is redundant.)
You know how sometimes you are presented with an opportunity you just can't resist? Even thought you KNOW you'll regret it later?
Well . . .
Last week at work I attended a safety meeting (I know . . . BOOOORRR -- ing), the topic of which is immaterial. I was drifting in and out of paying attention, when Mark (the presenter) made an analogy. His point was that if you get used to seeing the same thing over and over and over again in constant repetition, pretty soon you just stop seeing the "thing" and focus on the repetition.
He said, "For example, if you're looking at rows and rows of numbers that are all 3s, eventually if a couple of 4s are included your eyes will pass right over them, right?"
My
I blurted out, "You mean you can't see the fours for the threes?"
After a brief puzzled pause, the room cleared as people ran for the rest rooms to vomit.
(Read the sentence aloud, slowly, making "fours" a two-syllable word.)
(Sorry!)
Totally Inappropriate. And yet . . .
I'm referring to the Fathers Day card sent to me by my younger daughter.
You know, the daughter I've written about before with whom I compete to see which of us can send the other the birthday (or other-day) greeting card with the worst pun, the worst somehow fitting double entendre, etc.
Usually we just try to "out-clever" each other. The thrill is in the search for a card that somehow seems to make a however-vague reference to some foible in our lives.
The one I just received from her reads on the inside, simply, "Happy Fathers Day."
Ah, but it's the FRONT of the card that prompted the title of this post.
That I just HAVE to share:
As I said: TOTALLY inappropriate.
(You win this round, daughter.)
You know, the daughter I've written about before with whom I compete to see which of us can send the other the birthday (or other-day) greeting card with the worst pun, the worst somehow fitting double entendre, etc.
Usually we just try to "out-clever" each other. The thrill is in the search for a card that somehow seems to make a however-vague reference to some foible in our lives.
The one I just received from her reads on the inside, simply, "Happy Fathers Day."
Ah, but it's the FRONT of the card that prompted the title of this post.
That I just HAVE to share:
As I said: TOTALLY inappropriate.
(You win this round, daughter.)
Sunday, June 06, 2010
O – KAY already!
I know; I brought it on myself. I was commenting on a Facebook entry and mentioned the dreaded “C” word.
But gee, did it have to strike so fast and so hard?
First strike was against my commute-to-work car. It has only 25k miles on it and came with new Michelins so there’s no appreciable tread wear. I evidently drove over something that sliced into the sidewall near the tread and suffered a flat.
No big deal, right? Right. In fact, while I was changing the tire in the shade of a handy overpass, two guys from my plant on their way home saw me, pulled over, TOOK over the job, and changed my tire for me. The tire dealer adjusted the price of the new tire for the almost new tread depth on the bad one, and I was on my way.
Next strike was my three-year-old, expensive but just out of warranty, Kitchen-Aid dishwasher. I was able to fix that myself (I’ll spare you the details) at minimal expense and with just one minor cut on a finger, but getting it out and then back in took the better part of my Saturday.
Then there was the blowout on our camper-trailer. That one cost me a LOT of sweat, plus three new tires; two on the axle and a new spare. Yeah, I know, I needed them anyway, but the timing could have been better!
Then yesterday afternoon my high-dollar, commercial quality, Echo weed trimmer just quit working. Right in the middle of trimming the lawn. No, it WASN’T out of gas! I think it was a fouled spark plug. I cleaned the plug, the air filter and the exhaust port (muffler), and now it’s running fine.
Finally (I HOPE!) last night my computer hard drive stared running continuously and all processes slowed to a crawl. Checked everything I knew to check, including rebooting, anti-virus scanning (no), downloading updates (no), other internet activity (no, disconnected from router to be sure), and just turned it off. Today it SEEMS okay, but I’m suspicious!
SO, BE WARNED!! Be on guard. Hopefully it’s just me, but don’t count on it! Last night my daughter in Tampa had a rock thrown through the window of her car right in front of her house. Nothing stolen, just vandalism. But the cost of replacing the window will hurt.
Remember, the ycaripsnoc can (and WILL) strike at any time.
Oh no, there goes my hard drive again—
But gee, did it have to strike so fast and so hard?
First strike was against my commute-to-work car. It has only 25k miles on it and came with new Michelins so there’s no appreciable tread wear. I evidently drove over something that sliced into the sidewall near the tread and suffered a flat.
No big deal, right? Right. In fact, while I was changing the tire in the shade of a handy overpass, two guys from my plant on their way home saw me, pulled over, TOOK over the job, and changed my tire for me. The tire dealer adjusted the price of the new tire for the almost new tread depth on the bad one, and I was on my way.
Next strike was my three-year-old, expensive but just out of warranty, Kitchen-Aid dishwasher. I was able to fix that myself (I’ll spare you the details) at minimal expense and with just one minor cut on a finger, but getting it out and then back in took the better part of my Saturday.
Then there was the blowout on our camper-trailer. That one cost me a LOT of sweat, plus three new tires; two on the axle and a new spare. Yeah, I know, I needed them anyway, but the timing could have been better!
Then yesterday afternoon my high-dollar, commercial quality, Echo weed trimmer just quit working. Right in the middle of trimming the lawn. No, it WASN’T out of gas! I think it was a fouled spark plug. I cleaned the plug, the air filter and the exhaust port (muffler), and now it’s running fine.
Finally (I HOPE!) last night my computer hard drive stared running continuously and all processes slowed to a crawl. Checked everything I knew to check, including rebooting, anti-virus scanning (no), downloading updates (no), other internet activity (no, disconnected from router to be sure), and just turned it off. Today it SEEMS okay, but I’m suspicious!
SO, BE WARNED!! Be on guard. Hopefully it’s just me, but don’t count on it! Last night my daughter in Tampa had a rock thrown through the window of her car right in front of her house. Nothing stolen, just vandalism. But the cost of replacing the window will hurt.
Remember, the ycaripsnoc can (and WILL) strike at any time.
Oh no, there goes my hard drive again—
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
The missing keys
If you follow me on Facebook, you saw my very brief tale of changing a blown-out trailer tire on the shoulder of a major highway with traffic whooshing past at 70. But I didn’t tell about the keys.
The blown tire was on our camper-trailer. I keep a hydraulic bottle jack in a small front compartment of the trailer, accessible through a locked hatch. After struggling in the blazing sun for nearly an hour to get the tire safely changed, we secured everything, put away the tools and the jack, and made the trailer ready to resume the trip home.
The spare had been a little low on air, so I drove slowly down the shoulder for about 2 miles to the nearest gas station/convenience store. I aired the tire while Carol went inside to buy us LARGE cold drinks. I had sweated away at least a quart of body fluid and was shaky with exertion and dehydration.
We rested there for a few minutes standing in the gas station parking area while I gulped the icy liquid. Carol then asked, “Where are the camper keys you used to lock the hatch when you put the jack away?”
I gave her my best blank look, patted my pockets, glanced around at the front of the trailer tongue area, and shrugged.
“Well, where did you put them?” I told her I didn’t know. I remembered securing the jack and locking the hatch, and then I . . . what? Did I put them in my pocket? Not there now! Did I set them down on the trailer tongue? Not there now! Did I toss them into the open tool box I had been using?
We opened the back of the SUV and rummaged through the tool box.
No keys.
I struggled to think back, but there was just no memory of the keys after locking that little hatch. We decided I must have laid them on the trailer tongue and left them there. Surely they fell off while we crept down the shoulder looking for an air hose for the tire.
I was ready to write them off and drive home. We had others (duplicates), and I could get more made. But no; we had to go back and look for them!
We pulled the trailer out of the gas station and back onto the opposite side of this 4-lane divided highway. I located a crossover beyond the point of our blowout, waited for traffic to clear, and retraced our path to the spot of changing the tire. There I stopped and Carol got out and searched.
No keys.
Well, maybe they fell off the tongue between here and the gas station! We crept along the shoulder of the road scanning for this small ring of about 5 keys with a blue plastic/rubber rectangular tag or grip attached, while traffic kept roaring past. It should have been obvious if it had been there. No luck.
I was sure the keys would have landed and stayed right where they fell, since I had been driving so slowly with the soft tire. They couldn’t possibly have “bounced” into the weeds!
Back at the gas station we parked again, got out and scrutinized the area where I had turned in. Nothing.
I gave Carol a look of resignation and said, “They’re gone. It’s my fault. Let’s just go home and I’ll get more copies made.”
She nodded but stood there, hands in her shorts pockets, as if thinking. A strange look came over her face.
She jerked out her right hand holding the key ring! It had evidently been in her pocket all along.
We laughed and laughed and laughed.
I KNOW I locked that little hatch, but I have NO MEMORY of handing her the keys. She has NO MEMORY of taking them from me, or picking them up, or putting them in her pocket. She also says she checked her pockets several times after we discovered the keys were missing.
We decided we are both senile.
Or idiots.
Or both!
The blown tire was on our camper-trailer. I keep a hydraulic bottle jack in a small front compartment of the trailer, accessible through a locked hatch. After struggling in the blazing sun for nearly an hour to get the tire safely changed, we secured everything, put away the tools and the jack, and made the trailer ready to resume the trip home.
The spare had been a little low on air, so I drove slowly down the shoulder for about 2 miles to the nearest gas station/convenience store. I aired the tire while Carol went inside to buy us LARGE cold drinks. I had sweated away at least a quart of body fluid and was shaky with exertion and dehydration.
We rested there for a few minutes standing in the gas station parking area while I gulped the icy liquid. Carol then asked, “Where are the camper keys you used to lock the hatch when you put the jack away?”
I gave her my best blank look, patted my pockets, glanced around at the front of the trailer tongue area, and shrugged.
“Well, where did you put them?” I told her I didn’t know. I remembered securing the jack and locking the hatch, and then I . . . what? Did I put them in my pocket? Not there now! Did I set them down on the trailer tongue? Not there now! Did I toss them into the open tool box I had been using?
We opened the back of the SUV and rummaged through the tool box.
No keys.
I struggled to think back, but there was just no memory of the keys after locking that little hatch. We decided I must have laid them on the trailer tongue and left them there. Surely they fell off while we crept down the shoulder looking for an air hose for the tire.
I was ready to write them off and drive home. We had others (duplicates), and I could get more made. But no; we had to go back and look for them!
We pulled the trailer out of the gas station and back onto the opposite side of this 4-lane divided highway. I located a crossover beyond the point of our blowout, waited for traffic to clear, and retraced our path to the spot of changing the tire. There I stopped and Carol got out and searched.
No keys.
Well, maybe they fell off the tongue between here and the gas station! We crept along the shoulder of the road scanning for this small ring of about 5 keys with a blue plastic/rubber rectangular tag or grip attached, while traffic kept roaring past. It should have been obvious if it had been there. No luck.
I was sure the keys would have landed and stayed right where they fell, since I had been driving so slowly with the soft tire. They couldn’t possibly have “bounced” into the weeds!
Back at the gas station we parked again, got out and scrutinized the area where I had turned in. Nothing.
I gave Carol a look of resignation and said, “They’re gone. It’s my fault. Let’s just go home and I’ll get more copies made.”
She nodded but stood there, hands in her shorts pockets, as if thinking. A strange look came over her face.
She jerked out her right hand holding the key ring! It had evidently been in her pocket all along.
We laughed and laughed and laughed.
I KNOW I locked that little hatch, but I have NO MEMORY of handing her the keys. She has NO MEMORY of taking them from me, or picking them up, or putting them in her pocket. She also says she checked her pockets several times after we discovered the keys were missing.
We decided we are both senile.
Or idiots.
Or both!
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Remember the Elvis song, "Return to Sender?"
(Earworm alert!)
From the fifties. Here are the lyrics — see if you remember the tune:
I gave a letter to the postman,
he put it his sack.
Bright in early next morning,
he brought my letter back.
She wrote upon it:
Return to sender, address unknown.
No such number, no such zone.
We had a quarrel, a lover's spat
I write I'm sorry but my letter keeps coming back.
So then I dropped it in the mailbox
And sent it special D.
Bright in early next morning
it came right back to me.
She wrote upon it:
Return to sender, address unknown.
No such number, no such zone.
This time I'm gonna take it myself
and put it right in her hand.
And if it comes back the very next day
then I'll understand
The writing on it:
Return to sender, address unknown.
No such person, no such zone.
Ah, yes. A golden oldie!
Well, somehow that song got into an endless loop going round and round in my head. Then I wondered if I could change the lyrics, but keep them similar enough that the original melody would still work and remind the "hearer" of Elvis' song.
Here's what I came up with. This is for all the ladies out there struggling to lose pounds. And don't be offended; it's a parody!
I wrote upon it:
Return, too slender! Dress size unknown!
You got no figure, no meat on those bones.
Next time I’m gonna pick one myself
And tell her ‘fore I ask for her hand
That if I find out she wants to get thin,
She’d better understand;
I’m gonna say:
Return, too slender! Dress size unknown.
No girlish figure, no meat on those bones!
Ah, return, too slender.
Return, too slender.
Return, too slender.
From the fifties. Here are the lyrics — see if you remember the tune:
I gave a letter to the postman,
he put it his sack.
Bright in early next morning,
he brought my letter back.
She wrote upon it:
Return to sender, address unknown.
No such number, no such zone.
We had a quarrel, a lover's spat
I write I'm sorry but my letter keeps coming back.
So then I dropped it in the mailbox
And sent it special D.
Bright in early next morning
it came right back to me.
She wrote upon it:
Return to sender, address unknown.
No such number, no such zone.
This time I'm gonna take it myself
and put it right in her hand.
And if it comes back the very next day
then I'll understand
The writing on it:
Return to sender, address unknown.
No such person, no such zone.
Ah, yes. A golden oldie!
Well, somehow that song got into an endless loop going round and round in my head. Then I wondered if I could change the lyrics, but keep them similar enough that the original melody would still work and remind the "hearer" of Elvis' song.
Here's what I came up with. This is for all the ladies out there struggling to lose pounds. And don't be offended; it's a parody!
The Anorexic’s Boyfriend’s Lament
(With apologies to Elvis)
I got a picture from my girl friend,
Her dress looked like a sack!
She was as skinny as a rail bird
So I sent her picture back.
I wrote upon it:
Return, too slender! Dress size unknown!
You got no figure, no meat on those bones.
I like ‘em healthy, plus-sized and stacked!
She was always skinny but she thought that she looked fat.
She wrote to tell me she was sorry,
She’d lost the weight for me.
She even sent another picture,
But I sent it back, special D.
(With apologies to Elvis)
I got a picture from my girl friend,
Her dress looked like a sack!
She was as skinny as a rail bird
So I sent her picture back.
I wrote upon it:
Return, too slender! Dress size unknown!
You got no figure, no meat on those bones.
I like ‘em healthy, plus-sized and stacked!
She was always skinny but she thought that she looked fat.
She wrote to tell me she was sorry,
She’d lost the weight for me.
She even sent another picture,
But I sent it back, special D.
I wrote upon it:
Return, too slender! Dress size unknown!
You got no figure, no meat on those bones.
Next time I’m gonna pick one myself
And tell her ‘fore I ask for her hand
That if I find out she wants to get thin,
She’d better understand;
I’m gonna say:
Return, too slender! Dress size unknown.
No girlish figure, no meat on those bones!
Ah, return, too slender.
Return, too slender.
Return, too slender.
Monday, April 12, 2010
My grandson. A prodigy?
Probably both(?) of you who read this blog already saw my daughter Joy’s Facebook post about this, but lemme tell you what her son (my grandson) did this weekend.
His dad, Johnny, was browsing around eBay looking at ultra lights, powered parachutes, and the like. He then walked away from the computer.
Joy noticed her son a bit later “messing” with the computer. She asked him, “Trevor, what are you doing?”
No response. She ignored him for a few minutes, and then became curious.
Now remember . . . he’s only 4 (almost 5).
She checked the screen, and just about croaked! Actually, according to her Facebook post she “shit a brick.” (I’ve never had that experience, but it sounds painful.)
She saw that the current high bid for the powered parachute on the screen was her husband’s! Knowing that he hadn’t actually intended to buy anything (especially in the $6,000 - $7,000 range) she suspected Trevor. She checked “her husband’s” maximum bid.
Are you ready?
$600,010.00!! That’s when the brick episode occurred. Trevor had not only entered that amount as their maximum bid, he had confirmed it!
After some frantic maneuvering, she was able to contact the seller and arrange to retract their bid, restoring that particular auction to normalcy. So, all ended well.
But here’s the funniest part: She had exclaimed to her husband, "Trevor just bid SIX HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS ON EBAY!"
Trevor spoke up. “No, Mommy. It was six hundred thousand . . . and TEN.”
C’mon, Mom. Get it right, willya?
His dad, Johnny, was browsing around eBay looking at ultra lights, powered parachutes, and the like. He then walked away from the computer.
Joy noticed her son a bit later “messing” with the computer. She asked him, “Trevor, what are you doing?”
No response. She ignored him for a few minutes, and then became curious.
Now remember . . . he’s only 4 (almost 5).
She checked the screen, and just about croaked! Actually, according to her Facebook post she “shit a brick.” (I’ve never had that experience, but it sounds painful.)
She saw that the current high bid for the powered parachute on the screen was her husband’s! Knowing that he hadn’t actually intended to buy anything (especially in the $6,000 - $7,000 range) she suspected Trevor. She checked “her husband’s” maximum bid.
Are you ready?
$600,010.00!! That’s when the brick episode occurred. Trevor had not only entered that amount as their maximum bid, he had confirmed it!
After some frantic maneuvering, she was able to contact the seller and arrange to retract their bid, restoring that particular auction to normalcy. So, all ended well.
But here’s the funniest part: She had exclaimed to her husband, "Trevor just bid SIX HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS ON EBAY!"
Trevor spoke up. “No, Mommy. It was six hundred thousand . . . and TEN.”
C’mon, Mom. Get it right, willya?
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Insanity?
I ran across a famous quote today. I have used it myself, occasionally.
It is often attributed to Einstein, and goes like this: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.”
I’ve had observers apply that quote to my golf swing. I’ll think I’m changing a key aspect (grip, stance, angle, etc.) but they tell me they can’t see any change, and sure enough the ball keeps curving sideways. Time after time after time.
But today I had a different take on the saying. I saw it in a work-related article about the new health care bill, but the context isn’t germane. I just chuckled at it and went on.
Not long afterward I overheard co-workers complaining about a software application which seemed to display images differently each time they were opened.
That’s when it occurred to me – Einstein died in 1955 and never had the opportunity to deal with a Windows computer! He would have realized that there are some cases in which doing the same thing time after time DOES produce different results!
Thus he would have changed his definition of insanity. Something like this: “Insanity lies in expecting ANY two Windows computers to produce identical results after identical input.”
Right?
(All you Mac users know what I’m talking about.)
It is often attributed to Einstein, and goes like this: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.”
I’ve had observers apply that quote to my golf swing. I’ll think I’m changing a key aspect (grip, stance, angle, etc.) but they tell me they can’t see any change, and sure enough the ball keeps curving sideways. Time after time after time.
But today I had a different take on the saying. I saw it in a work-related article about the new health care bill, but the context isn’t germane. I just chuckled at it and went on.
Not long afterward I overheard co-workers complaining about a software application which seemed to display images differently each time they were opened.
That’s when it occurred to me – Einstein died in 1955 and never had the opportunity to deal with a Windows computer! He would have realized that there are some cases in which doing the same thing time after time DOES produce different results!
Thus he would have changed his definition of insanity. Something like this: “Insanity lies in expecting ANY two Windows computers to produce identical results after identical input.”
Right?
(All you Mac users know what I’m talking about.)
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
I get letters . . . and emails . . .
I’m an HR manager. People want jobs. It’s logical that they’ll contact me, right?
Well, of course! Part of my job when we have openings is to fill those vacancies with qualified applicants. I do that through a process called screening.
This screening is predicated on the assumption that there are more applicants than positions. And in my long career I’ve NEVER had fewer applicants than openings. Thus I have to assess each applicant to determine the best, most qualified one(s) for the job(s) I have.
Screening begins at first contact, which most often is in writing. A letter. An application form. Or today, maybe an email.
If you’re looking for a job and contact me in writing, wouldn’t you try to make a positive first impression? Of course you would! But then, maybe you’re different from a lot of people.
Here’s an email that came to my address yesterday. I’ve changed nothing except the name and email address. I didn’t even have to change the phone number (you’ll see why).
__________________________________________
From: Mark Smith [mailto:marksmith3@yahoo.com]
Sent: Tuesday, March 23, 2010 10:10 AM
To: Earle, John
Subject:
hello my name is mark smith i was looking to see if there was anyway that i can get a chance to be able to work at the plant, i just turned 18 and i really do need a job. if you need any info message me or call my number is 956-209865 think you and have a nice day.
__________________________________________
Now, each year I go to our local high school and present to seniors something I call “Getting the Job.” I talk about the screening process, how it all really works, what hiring companies are really looking for, and what they do and DON’T care about.
I explain why we HR meanies screen OUT applicants before we even see them or know whether or not they’re qualified. (Because we don’t have TIME to interview 30-50 applicants to fill one job!) Is that FAIR? Probably not! But it’s how the system works.
Knowing we only want to actually interview about 5 people out of the 30-50 applicants, we screen out based on spelling, grammar, and content in the person’s writing. Is that a valid predictor of future job performance? Again, probably not! But it’s all we’ve got, initially.
No, I won’t be calling poor Mr. Smith above. I can’t—he left a digit out of his phone number. I could (and I might) reply to his email. If I do, I’ll try to gently suggest that in future contacts with ANY prospective employer he be a little less . . . uh . . . casual. In fact, I’ll give him an example of a properly written and formatted employment query.
Heck, I do it for the local high school seniors! Why not him, too?
Think you.
Well, of course! Part of my job when we have openings is to fill those vacancies with qualified applicants. I do that through a process called screening.
This screening is predicated on the assumption that there are more applicants than positions. And in my long career I’ve NEVER had fewer applicants than openings. Thus I have to assess each applicant to determine the best, most qualified one(s) for the job(s) I have.
Screening begins at first contact, which most often is in writing. A letter. An application form. Or today, maybe an email.
If you’re looking for a job and contact me in writing, wouldn’t you try to make a positive first impression? Of course you would! But then, maybe you’re different from a lot of people.
Here’s an email that came to my address yesterday. I’ve changed nothing except the name and email address. I didn’t even have to change the phone number (you’ll see why).
__________________________________________
From: Mark Smith [mailto:marksmith3@yahoo.com]
Sent: Tuesday, March 23, 2010 10:10 AM
To: Earle, John
Subject:
hello my name is mark smith i was looking to see if there was anyway that i can get a chance to be able to work at the plant, i just turned 18 and i really do need a job. if you need any info message me or call my number is 956-209865 think you and have a nice day.
__________________________________________
Now, each year I go to our local high school and present to seniors something I call “Getting the Job.” I talk about the screening process, how it all really works, what hiring companies are really looking for, and what they do and DON’T care about.
I explain why we HR meanies screen OUT applicants before we even see them or know whether or not they’re qualified. (Because we don’t have TIME to interview 30-50 applicants to fill one job!) Is that FAIR? Probably not! But it’s how the system works.
Knowing we only want to actually interview about 5 people out of the 30-50 applicants, we screen out based on spelling, grammar, and content in the person’s writing. Is that a valid predictor of future job performance? Again, probably not! But it’s all we’ve got, initially.
No, I won’t be calling poor Mr. Smith above. I can’t—he left a digit out of his phone number. I could (and I might) reply to his email. If I do, I’ll try to gently suggest that in future contacts with ANY prospective employer he be a little less . . . uh . . . casual. In fact, I’ll give him an example of a properly written and formatted employment query.
Heck, I do it for the local high school seniors! Why not him, too?
Think you.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Not AGAIN!?!
Our house is 38 years old, and we’ve lived in it for 24. Last October we replaced the two original wooden overhead garage doors with sparkling new steel-and-foam-sandwich insulated doors (can you say, “Energy Tax Credit?”).
I mean, we replaced everything; doors, electric openers, guide rails, rollers, remotes. . . THE WORKS!
And they are NICE! Whisper-quiet opening system (belt drive), and good, strong solid doors that almost glide up and down the rails. Expensive, yes; but I expected them to last as long as I own the house.
Did you catch the use of the past tense in that last sentence? Not a typo.
A few mornings ago while I was at work, Carol pushed the “open” button on the wall, and “her” door went up. Er . . . It started to go up! After about two feet of travel she heard a noise and the door stopped. She didn’t see anything wrong, so pushed the button again thinking that the door would reverse and go back down. But no, it started UP again(??). Accompanied by a cacophony of pops, cracks and groans, the door struggled to the top of its travel and stopped, but two of the four panels had buckled and sagged in the middle over her car.
She called me at work. I advised her to get her car out (quickly!), but not to touch the button, or her remote. I then called the company that had installed the doors and described what Carol told me. They sent a repair technician immediately.
He examined everything and left, scratching his head. He told us we’d hear from his boss.
The boss called later. “Can’t possibly be a defect in the doors or opening system. Never seen anything like it in 25 years in the business, but definitely not a warranty case. I’ll sell you a new door for $625.”
I asked, “So what damaged the door!? It was fine the day before. It lowered just fine the night before it failed.”
Answer: “Had to be something hit it from the outside when it was down, damaging the panels.”
Oka-a-a-ay.
I called the police to report apparent vandalism. (Not that the police could DO anything about it, but in case there were other reports of this kind of vandalism in our neighborhood, they needed to know.) An officer came and looked over the situation. His assessment: “No marks or scratches on the outside of the door. No broken glass or other indications. You heard no noises during the night, right? Nope, no other reports of problems around here. Definitely not vandalism. Probably the door jammed going up and buckled.”
Gee, if it wasn’t the door . . . and it wasn’t damage from somebody, then . . . ??
I KNOW!! IT HAD TO BE THE . . . oops (shhh) ycaripsnoc!!
Anyway, you know what THAT means! Plumbing will start leaking, electrical appliances will start failing, your home may develop strange cracks in the walls, and your car will start making noises and having mechanical problems.
Likely your computer will freeze, your hard drive will fry, and your modem will stop modem-ing.
Be warned! Be alert! And be afraid!
I mean, we replaced everything; doors, electric openers, guide rails, rollers, remotes. . . THE WORKS!
And they are NICE! Whisper-quiet opening system (belt drive), and good, strong solid doors that almost glide up and down the rails. Expensive, yes; but I expected them to last as long as I own the house.
Did you catch the use of the past tense in that last sentence? Not a typo.
A few mornings ago while I was at work, Carol pushed the “open” button on the wall, and “her” door went up. Er . . . It started to go up! After about two feet of travel she heard a noise and the door stopped. She didn’t see anything wrong, so pushed the button again thinking that the door would reverse and go back down. But no, it started UP again(??). Accompanied by a cacophony of pops, cracks and groans, the door struggled to the top of its travel and stopped, but two of the four panels had buckled and sagged in the middle over her car.
She called me at work. I advised her to get her car out (quickly!), but not to touch the button, or her remote. I then called the company that had installed the doors and described what Carol told me. They sent a repair technician immediately.
He examined everything and left, scratching his head. He told us we’d hear from his boss.
The boss called later. “Can’t possibly be a defect in the doors or opening system. Never seen anything like it in 25 years in the business, but definitely not a warranty case. I’ll sell you a new door for $625.”
I asked, “So what damaged the door!? It was fine the day before. It lowered just fine the night before it failed.”
Answer: “Had to be something hit it from the outside when it was down, damaging the panels.”
Oka-a-a-ay.
I called the police to report apparent vandalism. (Not that the police could DO anything about it, but in case there were other reports of this kind of vandalism in our neighborhood, they needed to know.) An officer came and looked over the situation. His assessment: “No marks or scratches on the outside of the door. No broken glass or other indications. You heard no noises during the night, right? Nope, no other reports of problems around here. Definitely not vandalism. Probably the door jammed going up and buckled.”
Gee, if it wasn’t the door . . . and it wasn’t damage from somebody, then . . . ??
I KNOW!! IT HAD TO BE THE . . . oops (shhh) ycaripsnoc!!
Anyway, you know what THAT means! Plumbing will start leaking, electrical appliances will start failing, your home may develop strange cracks in the walls, and your car will start making noises and having mechanical problems.
Likely your computer will freeze, your hard drive will fry, and your modem will stop modem-ing.
Be warned! Be alert! And be afraid!
Monday, March 08, 2010
Sunday, March 07, 2010
Military Wisdom
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." — Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." — US Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons." — General MacArthur
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." — U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways." — U.S. Army Ordnance Manual
"Five second fuses only last three seconds." — Infantry Journal
The three most useless things in aviation are: Fuel in the bowser; Runway behind you; and Air above you. — Basic Flight Training Manual
"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once." — Maritime Ops Manual
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." — Unknown Marine Recruit
"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." — USAF Ammo Troop
"You've never been lost until you"ve been lost at Mach 3." — Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire." —Unknown Author
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter — and therefore, unsafe." — Fixed Wing Pilot
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash." — Multi-Engine Training Manual
"Without ammunition, the USAF is just an expensive flying club." — Unknown Author
"If you hear me yell; 'Eject, Eject, Eject!,' the last two will be echos. If you stop to ask 'Why?' you"ll be talking to yourself, because you're the pilot." — Pre-flight Briefing from a 104 Pilot
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies." — Sign over Control Tower Door
"Never trade luck for skill." — Author Unknown
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight." — Basic Flight Training Manual
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation — we have never left one up there!" — Unknown Author
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it." — Emergency Checklist
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." — Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." — Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to." — Sign over Carrier Group Operations Desk
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal." — Lead-in Fighter Training Manual
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives. The rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?" The pilot"s reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
(As a former U.S. Navy carrier jet pilot, I found many of these to be both reminiscent of my own military experience, and true.)
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." — US Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons." — General MacArthur
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." — U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways." — U.S. Army Ordnance Manual
"Five second fuses only last three seconds." — Infantry Journal
The three most useless things in aviation are: Fuel in the bowser; Runway behind you; and Air above you. — Basic Flight Training Manual
"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once." — Maritime Ops Manual
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." — Unknown Marine Recruit
"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." — USAF Ammo Troop
"You've never been lost until you"ve been lost at Mach 3." — Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire." —Unknown Author
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter — and therefore, unsafe." — Fixed Wing Pilot
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash." — Multi-Engine Training Manual
"Without ammunition, the USAF is just an expensive flying club." — Unknown Author
"If you hear me yell; 'Eject, Eject, Eject!,' the last two will be echos. If you stop to ask 'Why?' you"ll be talking to yourself, because you're the pilot." — Pre-flight Briefing from a 104 Pilot
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies." — Sign over Control Tower Door
"Never trade luck for skill." — Author Unknown
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight." — Basic Flight Training Manual
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation — we have never left one up there!" — Unknown Author
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it." — Emergency Checklist
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." — Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." — Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to." — Sign over Carrier Group Operations Desk
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal." — Lead-in Fighter Training Manual
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives. The rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?" The pilot"s reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
(As a former U.S. Navy carrier jet pilot, I found many of these to be both reminiscent of my own military experience, and true.)
Friday, March 05, 2010
The Shredder
A young engineer, who had graduated with distinction, was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the Company President standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the President, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the President as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."
Lesson: Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.
(This was sent to my company's managers by its President. At least he has a sense of humor . . . and maybe reality!)
"Listen," said the President, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the President as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."
Lesson: Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.
(This was sent to my company's managers by its President. At least he has a sense of humor . . . and maybe reality!)
Monday, March 01, 2010
Birthday card fun
The Earle family is not big on picking out special birthday gifts. Often Carol and I don't even buy the other one a gift for a birthday.
Oh, we always celebrate; usually with dinner out, some wine, or maybe even a round of golf at a slightly more "upscale" course than the ones we usually play. For our adult "kids" we usually just send the gift everyone wants -- a check!
Ah, but card selection is a different matter altogether! The message on the card is critical, and might require trips to several stores over a few days to find the one that is just right.
My daughters and I try to outdo each other with really awful puns. When I think I've found one for a daughter that's bad enough I show it to Carol. If she gags and retches, it's perfect!
But Carol and I, when picking out a card for each other, try for humor that's a bit more subtle. We also search for a message that will have a special meaning for the recipient. Maybe a double entendre. Even better, a card that's not intended to have a double entendre, but for us it does because of one of our (usually my) foibles.
We are not wine snobs. Oh, sorry, I meant wine "connoisseurs." We enjoy a glass of wine with a meal, and usually know if a particular wine is a red or a white (or even a "blush!"), but beyond that it's either smooth and pleasant, or it bites.
However, often a glass of wine (especially TWO glasses) leaves us in a fond, romantic mood.
That "foible" made this card she recently bought for me that much more appropriate:
Here's the inside:
Oh, we always celebrate; usually with dinner out, some wine, or maybe even a round of golf at a slightly more "upscale" course than the ones we usually play. For our adult "kids" we usually just send the gift everyone wants -- a check!
Ah, but card selection is a different matter altogether! The message on the card is critical, and might require trips to several stores over a few days to find the one that is just right.
My daughters and I try to outdo each other with really awful puns. When I think I've found one for a daughter that's bad enough I show it to Carol. If she gags and retches, it's perfect!
But Carol and I, when picking out a card for each other, try for humor that's a bit more subtle. We also search for a message that will have a special meaning for the recipient. Maybe a double entendre. Even better, a card that's not intended to have a double entendre, but for us it does because of one of our (usually my) foibles.
We are not wine snobs. Oh, sorry, I meant wine "connoisseurs." We enjoy a glass of wine with a meal, and usually know if a particular wine is a red or a white (or even a "blush!"), but beyond that it's either smooth and pleasant, or it bites.
However, often a glass of wine (especially TWO glasses) leaves us in a fond, romantic mood.
That "foible" made this card she recently bought for me that much more appropriate:
Here's the inside:
I'll leave it to you to figure out what the W. P. initials stand for.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Remember Karyn Lyndon?
I can say, "I knew her before she was famous. We used to trade blog barbs."
Her blog address is in my sidebar (down a ways on the right -- it's the one called "Who Let the Blogs Out?" )
Anyway, if you'll click on that link you'll see that she has her first book out, called "CurvyKathy31."
Yeah, I know -- weird title. But it makes sense once you read the book.
I think you ought to check it out. Hey, you can buy the PDF or HTML download version for just $6, and I promise it's worth it.
I wrote a review of it for Amazon.com (where only the paperback is for sale; personally, I'd buy it from the publisher's site).
Here's the review. I mean every word.
CurvyKathy31
Author: Karyn Lyndon
It sounded like a stereotypical chick-lit tale with internet chat-room and Instant Message lingo as a hook. I figured it was probably poorly written with lots of sex, little plot, and no characterization.
I was wrong.
Within the first few pages I realized that Kathy was a very smart, introspective, clever heroine. Did I mention capable, imaginative, and sweet? The story has lots to offer besides the romance angle, with enough twists and turns to make you dizzy in a delightful, "Why didn't I see THAT coming?" kind of way.
I promise you'll laugh out loud. (Oops, I mean lol!) And I almost guarantee you'll get tears in parts, unless you're made of granite.
The sex is torrid, the conflicts are real and intense, and the pages almost turn themselves. Within the first 20 pages I was telling myself, "This woman (Lyndon) is really sharp. How does she come up with these?"
Examples:
"Jeez. No doubt about it. The man gave good Email, especially for a rookie."
". . . his big boat seemed to compensate for his little dinghy."
"My palms were wet and my throat dry . . . Isn't it weird how nervousness can cause two opposite reactions at the very same moment, kind of like the amazing way yogurt can cure both constipation and diarrhea?"
"I was starting to feel like Mrs. Doubtfire, running back and forth between tables at the restaurant. The good news was I didn't have to change clothes."
". . . that was exactly the kind of person I was, always led by my emotions instead of my brain."
(Don't believe this last one! CurvyKathy's brain is her best--if not her biggest--asset.)
This book had everything I love in a novel: catchy humor, an intriguing story line, characters with breadth and depth, and a well-thought-out, satisfying ending. (Just wait `til you read the climax!)
I may not have quite fallen in love with Ms. Lyndon (yet), but I can't wait to catch her next title when it comes out. I'm dying to see if she can top this first effort.
Her blog address is in my sidebar (down a ways on the right -- it's the one called "Who Let the Blogs Out?" )
Anyway, if you'll click on that link you'll see that she has her first book out, called "CurvyKathy31."
Yeah, I know -- weird title. But it makes sense once you read the book.
I think you ought to check it out. Hey, you can buy the PDF or HTML download version for just $6, and I promise it's worth it.
I wrote a review of it for Amazon.com (where only the paperback is for sale; personally, I'd buy it from the publisher's site).
Here's the review. I mean every word.
CurvyKathy31
Author: Karyn Lyndon
It sounded like a stereotypical chick-lit tale with internet chat-room and Instant Message lingo as a hook. I figured it was probably poorly written with lots of sex, little plot, and no characterization.
I was wrong.
Within the first few pages I realized that Kathy was a very smart, introspective, clever heroine. Did I mention capable, imaginative, and sweet? The story has lots to offer besides the romance angle, with enough twists and turns to make you dizzy in a delightful, "Why didn't I see THAT coming?" kind of way.
I promise you'll laugh out loud. (Oops, I mean lol!) And I almost guarantee you'll get tears in parts, unless you're made of granite.
The sex is torrid, the conflicts are real and intense, and the pages almost turn themselves. Within the first 20 pages I was telling myself, "This woman (Lyndon) is really sharp. How does she come up with these?"
Examples:
"Jeez. No doubt about it. The man gave good Email, especially for a rookie."
". . . his big boat seemed to compensate for his little dinghy."
"My palms were wet and my throat dry . . . Isn't it weird how nervousness can cause two opposite reactions at the very same moment, kind of like the amazing way yogurt can cure both constipation and diarrhea?"
"I was starting to feel like Mrs. Doubtfire, running back and forth between tables at the restaurant. The good news was I didn't have to change clothes."
". . . that was exactly the kind of person I was, always led by my emotions instead of my brain."
(Don't believe this last one! CurvyKathy's brain is her best--if not her biggest--asset.)
This book had everything I love in a novel: catchy humor, an intriguing story line, characters with breadth and depth, and a well-thought-out, satisfying ending. (Just wait `til you read the climax!)
I may not have quite fallen in love with Ms. Lyndon (yet), but I can't wait to catch her next title when it comes out. I'm dying to see if she can top this first effort.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
The suicide pilot and the IRS
This week’s story about the man who deliberately flew his small plane into the Austin IRS offices has struck a chord in many. It brought to my mind the true story I wrote about in 2005. I’ve reproduced the story (three separate blog posts) below.
The man in my tale also felt driven to the verge of suicide, but his despair lacked the rage to direct itself at the IRS.
I’m glad.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Dealing with a tax levy.
I hope you never have to.
Fortunately I’ve never had the personal pleasure of much contact with the IRS.
Oh, there was that one time about 16 years ago when they questioned one of my deductions. What made it nerve-wracking was they didn’t choose to tell me in the letter they sent that it was a single charitable contribution they were interested in.
NO, they just sent a “Dear Taxpayer” letter telling me to appear in person with all my records for an “examination” of my 1988 return. They don’t use the word “audit;” it’s an “examination.”
I dutifully loaded up a medium size cardboard carton with all my receipts, records, check stubs, bank statements, and on and on. I showed up in the lobby of the Federal Building feeling like a criminal, and cooled my heels for about 30 minutes past my “appointment” time. Shoot, THEY were in no hurry. They knew I wasn’t going anywhere.
When I walked into the examiner’s office and she informed me that all she wanted was documentation on one contribution, I almost wept in relief. Shoot, I had that! And sure enough, within about ten minutes I was skipping out the door and down the street to where I’d parked the car, feeling like a kid just let out of school for summer vacation!
But I’ve never had to face a tax levy. That only happens if you’re delinquent in your taxes, you’ve set up a good-faith payment schedule, and you then fail to make your scheduled payments.
Trust me; you don’t want to do that. It just happened to one of my employees.
No, they won’t throw you in jail. Why not? You can’t PAY them if you’re in jail. They want you to keep your job, and maybe work a second one as well.
But they will obtain a court order to attach ALL or your wages (except, of course, your taxes, Social Security, and voluntary deductions for such things as health insurance and other benefits) and then they’ll let you take home a minimal, fixed amount based on your filing status (single, married) and your number of exemptions. All the rest, however much it may be, they make your employer send to them.
In the case of my employee who files single with just one exemption, he’s allowed to take home a maximum of (get this)... $158 a week! That’s it.
You say you can’t live on that? They don’t care. You say your home will be repossessed, along with your car? They don’t care. The IRS has no compassion.
And guess what? If you take a second job, they’ll levy those wages too. For how long? Until the entire amount you owe, including interest and penalties, is paid.
As this guy’s employer we’d like to be compassionate and fudge for him. But we can’t. It’s a court order, after all. If we knowingly ignore or violate it, I could go to jail. So, sorry Mr. Q. Have fun on $158 a week.
I hope you never have to experience a run-in with the IRS.
POSTED BY DUKE_OF_EARLE AT 5:15 PM
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Nowhere to Run, Nowhere to Hide?
(Martha and the Vandellas, 1965. If you care.)
So what do you do if the IRS levies all your income except $158 a week, and you can’t live on that?
Well, most of you out there who read this are married with family responsibilities. That complicates matters, but it also presents the opportunity for your spouse to go to work, or take a second job to make ends meet. The IRS can’t levy your spouse’s earnings, unless he/she were a party to your non-payment.
Of course, you would also do whatever you could to reduce your weekly expenses. Like car-pool if possible, eat cheaply, and generally live as frugally as you could. You might even sell some things at a garage sale, or trade in that high-payment car for an older cheaper model.
But what if...
You were single with no dependents? You were renting a cheap place by the month because after your divorce your spouse took most of what you had (including the kids) and left you with just the debts and child-support payments?
And what it your car was already an old clunker? And you couldn’t get out from under your debts because of the tax levy and the court-ordered child support — there wasn’t even enough left to set up any long-term payment plans?
And what if there were no way you could borrow any more to help consolidate debts because your credit was already shot? And the only thing tying you to this geographic area was your good-paying job with great benefits — except that now the IRS gets all of your paycheck so the job won’t seem good-paying no matter HOW much you make?
Finally, what if you thought you knew how to get some counterfeit (fake) ID, including a Social Security card?
Would you be tempted to drive your old clunker quietly out of state, set yourself up with a new job somewhere else, and drop out of "the system?”
Sure, the new job would be entry level and low paying, but you’d take home more than $158 a week and you wouldn’t have to worry about all those debts. You wouldn’t be able to marry without your past coming back to haunt you, but you’re not interested in that right now; you’re consumed with fear and anxiety over your hopeless financial situation.
I’m not saying it would be easy. But it wouldn’t be all that hard, either.
It sure is tempting to my employee (see yesterday’s post). I’ve tried to counsel him that “run and hide” is NOT the best option. We’ve discussed the company’s Employee Assistance Program and other “safety net” agencies and programs available locally that might help. He seems dubious.
We’ll see if he stays, or just doesn’t show up for work one of these days. Ever again.
POSTED BY DUKE_OF_EARLE AT 4:18 PM
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Follow-up (Somewhat Unbelievable)
Remember my posts about one of my employees with a tax levy from the IRS?
No? Well, for a quick review check out this post and this post from back in early October.
Okay, now that you’re up to speed, here’s the follow up. (Initials have been changed to protect confidentiality.)
Mr. Q tried to live on the $158 per week the IRS allowed him to take home. After a month or two, when doing so (living) became obviously impossible, he petitioned for a reduction in the amount of the levy. He called the same “1-800” number 6 times over a few weeks, but each time was connected to a different IRS office. As you might expect, he received no help at all from some, and conflicting information from others.
He pleaded with me for help, but I had a court-ordered levy to deal with. I couldn’t ignore it, nor could I stop sending the levied amount to the IRS without written instructions from the IRS. I sent him back to the IRS to ask them for something in writing that I could use to reduce his levied amount.
This week he came to me in tears (a bit disconcerting — this is not a man prone to them). A lady in an IRS office in California had told him they only expected us to be sending them $590 per month on his behalf, and we were sending almost $1,800. She didn’t understand why. She had an agreement, signed by a Mrs. C, which stated the $590 number.
Just so you’ll know; Mrs. C is our company’s payroll administrator. She works for me. I asked her about this alleged “agreement,” and she produced a copy of the only thing she had ever signed and sent to the IRS. It was VERY CLEARLY not any kind of agreement. It was simply a cover sheet that went along with the first check we sent them on Mr. Q’s behalf. That first check had been for $590.
This was no “agreement...” but if the IRS thought it was... and accepted it as such... AND (most importantly) if somebody changed his account records in their computer system to show that they HAD such an “agreement”... Well, all would be wonderful.
Apparently that’s exactly what happened.
Today Mr. Q, Mrs. C and I called the 1-800 number from my speakerphone so we could all participate. We were on hold forever, but then were connected to a Mr. White. He listened to the dilemma, checked the computer records, agreed that Mr. Q had an agreement with the IRS, and only owed them $590 per month!
When I explained my need for something in writing to authorize me to amend the current levy, Mr. White agreed again. He kept us on hold for a loooooong time. Twice he came back on to ask us a question, and then we were back on hold.
Then he asked for my fax number, and a minute later I had my signed, written authorization. Since we are processing the current pay period’s payroll today, this allowed me to immediately change the levy and spare Mr. Q another two weeks of extreme hardship.
Now, that would be reason enough to celebrate and marvel that the IRS had made such a goof and it actually benefited a taxpayer. But if you’ve gotten this far, read on a bit.
When I thanked Mr. White for all of his empathetic efforts, and told him that he may have literally saved a life today (Mr. Q told me he was wondering why he should go on living), Mr. White said, “Well, the Lord has me here for some reason, I guess. But I’m just doing my job.” (That from an IRS agent!?)
At that, Mr. Q’s tears began to flow again and he stepped out of my office. He had been on his knees last night in desperation, asking God to intervene. Mrs. C got teary as well. She has prayed about this situation, feeling terrible for Mr. Q. But worse, as the payroll administrator SHE had to arrange for that horrible levy every payday. She had also asked God to intervene.
Now get this: The paper she signed that became this “agreement” that the IRS accepted and then cut the levy by two-thirds, contained the $590 figure in error! In figuring up that first check (it was the first time she had ever done this) she exempted some amounts that were not supposed to have been exempted. From that first erroneous check until now, the amount we’ve had to take out of Mr. Q’s biweekly check has been hundreds higher.
You can easily attribute these events to a government snafu or a comedy of IRS errors that worked out okay for once.
I choose to believe that God answers prayer, and has intervened.
POSTED BY DUKE_OF_EARLE AT 5:10 PM
The man in my tale also felt driven to the verge of suicide, but his despair lacked the rage to direct itself at the IRS.
I’m glad.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Dealing with a tax levy.
I hope you never have to.
Fortunately I’ve never had the personal pleasure of much contact with the IRS.
Oh, there was that one time about 16 years ago when they questioned one of my deductions. What made it nerve-wracking was they didn’t choose to tell me in the letter they sent that it was a single charitable contribution they were interested in.
NO, they just sent a “Dear Taxpayer” letter telling me to appear in person with all my records for an “examination” of my 1988 return. They don’t use the word “audit;” it’s an “examination.”
I dutifully loaded up a medium size cardboard carton with all my receipts, records, check stubs, bank statements, and on and on. I showed up in the lobby of the Federal Building feeling like a criminal, and cooled my heels for about 30 minutes past my “appointment” time. Shoot, THEY were in no hurry. They knew I wasn’t going anywhere.
When I walked into the examiner’s office and she informed me that all she wanted was documentation on one contribution, I almost wept in relief. Shoot, I had that! And sure enough, within about ten minutes I was skipping out the door and down the street to where I’d parked the car, feeling like a kid just let out of school for summer vacation!
But I’ve never had to face a tax levy. That only happens if you’re delinquent in your taxes, you’ve set up a good-faith payment schedule, and you then fail to make your scheduled payments.
Trust me; you don’t want to do that. It just happened to one of my employees.
No, they won’t throw you in jail. Why not? You can’t PAY them if you’re in jail. They want you to keep your job, and maybe work a second one as well.
But they will obtain a court order to attach ALL or your wages (except, of course, your taxes, Social Security, and voluntary deductions for such things as health insurance and other benefits) and then they’ll let you take home a minimal, fixed amount based on your filing status (single, married) and your number of exemptions. All the rest, however much it may be, they make your employer send to them.
In the case of my employee who files single with just one exemption, he’s allowed to take home a maximum of (get this)... $158 a week! That’s it.
You say you can’t live on that? They don’t care. You say your home will be repossessed, along with your car? They don’t care. The IRS has no compassion.
And guess what? If you take a second job, they’ll levy those wages too. For how long? Until the entire amount you owe, including interest and penalties, is paid.
As this guy’s employer we’d like to be compassionate and fudge for him. But we can’t. It’s a court order, after all. If we knowingly ignore or violate it, I could go to jail. So, sorry Mr. Q. Have fun on $158 a week.
I hope you never have to experience a run-in with the IRS.
POSTED BY DUKE_OF_EARLE AT 5:15 PM
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Nowhere to Run, Nowhere to Hide?
(Martha and the Vandellas, 1965. If you care.)
So what do you do if the IRS levies all your income except $158 a week, and you can’t live on that?
Well, most of you out there who read this are married with family responsibilities. That complicates matters, but it also presents the opportunity for your spouse to go to work, or take a second job to make ends meet. The IRS can’t levy your spouse’s earnings, unless he/she were a party to your non-payment.
Of course, you would also do whatever you could to reduce your weekly expenses. Like car-pool if possible, eat cheaply, and generally live as frugally as you could. You might even sell some things at a garage sale, or trade in that high-payment car for an older cheaper model.
But what if...
You were single with no dependents? You were renting a cheap place by the month because after your divorce your spouse took most of what you had (including the kids) and left you with just the debts and child-support payments?
And what it your car was already an old clunker? And you couldn’t get out from under your debts because of the tax levy and the court-ordered child support — there wasn’t even enough left to set up any long-term payment plans?
And what if there were no way you could borrow any more to help consolidate debts because your credit was already shot? And the only thing tying you to this geographic area was your good-paying job with great benefits — except that now the IRS gets all of your paycheck so the job won’t seem good-paying no matter HOW much you make?
Finally, what if you thought you knew how to get some counterfeit (fake) ID, including a Social Security card?
Would you be tempted to drive your old clunker quietly out of state, set yourself up with a new job somewhere else, and drop out of "the system?”
Sure, the new job would be entry level and low paying, but you’d take home more than $158 a week and you wouldn’t have to worry about all those debts. You wouldn’t be able to marry without your past coming back to haunt you, but you’re not interested in that right now; you’re consumed with fear and anxiety over your hopeless financial situation.
I’m not saying it would be easy. But it wouldn’t be all that hard, either.
It sure is tempting to my employee (see yesterday’s post). I’ve tried to counsel him that “run and hide” is NOT the best option. We’ve discussed the company’s Employee Assistance Program and other “safety net” agencies and programs available locally that might help. He seems dubious.
We’ll see if he stays, or just doesn’t show up for work one of these days. Ever again.
POSTED BY DUKE_OF_EARLE AT 4:18 PM
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Follow-up (Somewhat Unbelievable)
Remember my posts about one of my employees with a tax levy from the IRS?
No? Well, for a quick review check out this post and this post from back in early October.
Okay, now that you’re up to speed, here’s the follow up. (Initials have been changed to protect confidentiality.)
Mr. Q tried to live on the $158 per week the IRS allowed him to take home. After a month or two, when doing so (living) became obviously impossible, he petitioned for a reduction in the amount of the levy. He called the same “1-800” number 6 times over a few weeks, but each time was connected to a different IRS office. As you might expect, he received no help at all from some, and conflicting information from others.
He pleaded with me for help, but I had a court-ordered levy to deal with. I couldn’t ignore it, nor could I stop sending the levied amount to the IRS without written instructions from the IRS. I sent him back to the IRS to ask them for something in writing that I could use to reduce his levied amount.
This week he came to me in tears (a bit disconcerting — this is not a man prone to them). A lady in an IRS office in California had told him they only expected us to be sending them $590 per month on his behalf, and we were sending almost $1,800. She didn’t understand why. She had an agreement, signed by a Mrs. C, which stated the $590 number.
Just so you’ll know; Mrs. C is our company’s payroll administrator. She works for me. I asked her about this alleged “agreement,” and she produced a copy of the only thing she had ever signed and sent to the IRS. It was VERY CLEARLY not any kind of agreement. It was simply a cover sheet that went along with the first check we sent them on Mr. Q’s behalf. That first check had been for $590.
This was no “agreement...” but if the IRS thought it was... and accepted it as such... AND (most importantly) if somebody changed his account records in their computer system to show that they HAD such an “agreement”... Well, all would be wonderful.
Apparently that’s exactly what happened.
Today Mr. Q, Mrs. C and I called the 1-800 number from my speakerphone so we could all participate. We were on hold forever, but then were connected to a Mr. White. He listened to the dilemma, checked the computer records, agreed that Mr. Q had an agreement with the IRS, and only owed them $590 per month!
When I explained my need for something in writing to authorize me to amend the current levy, Mr. White agreed again. He kept us on hold for a loooooong time. Twice he came back on to ask us a question, and then we were back on hold.
Then he asked for my fax number, and a minute later I had my signed, written authorization. Since we are processing the current pay period’s payroll today, this allowed me to immediately change the levy and spare Mr. Q another two weeks of extreme hardship.
Now, that would be reason enough to celebrate and marvel that the IRS had made such a goof and it actually benefited a taxpayer. But if you’ve gotten this far, read on a bit.
When I thanked Mr. White for all of his empathetic efforts, and told him that he may have literally saved a life today (Mr. Q told me he was wondering why he should go on living), Mr. White said, “Well, the Lord has me here for some reason, I guess. But I’m just doing my job.” (That from an IRS agent!?)
At that, Mr. Q’s tears began to flow again and he stepped out of my office. He had been on his knees last night in desperation, asking God to intervene. Mrs. C got teary as well. She has prayed about this situation, feeling terrible for Mr. Q. But worse, as the payroll administrator SHE had to arrange for that horrible levy every payday. She had also asked God to intervene.
Now get this: The paper she signed that became this “agreement” that the IRS accepted and then cut the levy by two-thirds, contained the $590 figure in error! In figuring up that first check (it was the first time she had ever done this) she exempted some amounts that were not supposed to have been exempted. From that first erroneous check until now, the amount we’ve had to take out of Mr. Q’s biweekly check has been hundreds higher.
You can easily attribute these events to a government snafu or a comedy of IRS errors that worked out okay for once.
I choose to believe that God answers prayer, and has intervened.
POSTED BY DUKE_OF_EARLE AT 5:10 PM
Friday, February 19, 2010
Home again, home again, jiggedy-jig.
Yes, as reported in my last post, we are home. I have now been to the office to work for 5 consecutive days, getting caught up as is inevitable after an absence.
Actually I’ve accomplished very little, because during my absence our I.T. guys converted my office computer from Windows XP to Windows 7. Oh, don’t misunderstand – Windows 7 is fine! The machine is fast, and I like some of the new bells and whistles that do improve the user’s experience compared to both XP and Vista (which I’m running here at home.)
But with a new OS on the machine, they had to re-install all of the programs I use. Mainly Microsoft Office 2007. And they run pretty much the same, but I had to re-establish all the little settings and preferences that I was used to: default filing areas, email handling, location of the preview pane in Outlook, advanced features in Word and Excel that I use, and so on.
I had been using all those features for so long I’d forgotten HOW to set them up! So I spent most of the week just getting my work station back the way I wanted it.
Meanwhile Carol succeeded in getting all the ski paraphernalia washed and stowed away for next year, all the leftover food either frozen or put up in small portions for meals in the coming days and weeks (yes, we took WAY too much food for dinners), and getting the car and house back in order.
OH, Jack K. asked what books we listened to on the trip. The first was No Safe Place by Richard North Patterson, a political thriller about a candidate in the final week of the primary elections for the Democratic Presidential nomination. Extremely well done. In two separate “scenes” Mr. Patterson built the tension to a level that had me gripping the steering wheel in suspense! I highly recommend it.
The other is Brimstone by Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child, a murder mystery with sufficient lurid details and twists of plot to keep anyone enthralled.
Both were good escapist fare, and helped the miles pass quickly.
On long driving trips we generally select books based on the greatest number of CDs (longest books). Often we don’t finish a book before arriving home. In those cases we then sit for about an hour each evening listening together in the living room until we get to the end.
Stories of the trip will come, but not tonight.
Oh, and for those of you not familiar with it, I took the title of this post from the nursery rhyme:
Actually I’ve accomplished very little, because during my absence our I.T. guys converted my office computer from Windows XP to Windows 7. Oh, don’t misunderstand – Windows 7 is fine! The machine is fast, and I like some of the new bells and whistles that do improve the user’s experience compared to both XP and Vista (which I’m running here at home.)
But with a new OS on the machine, they had to re-install all of the programs I use. Mainly Microsoft Office 2007. And they run pretty much the same, but I had to re-establish all the little settings and preferences that I was used to: default filing areas, email handling, location of the preview pane in Outlook, advanced features in Word and Excel that I use, and so on.
I had been using all those features for so long I’d forgotten HOW to set them up! So I spent most of the week just getting my work station back the way I wanted it.
Meanwhile Carol succeeded in getting all the ski paraphernalia washed and stowed away for next year, all the leftover food either frozen or put up in small portions for meals in the coming days and weeks (yes, we took WAY too much food for dinners), and getting the car and house back in order.
OH, Jack K. asked what books we listened to on the trip. The first was No Safe Place by Richard North Patterson, a political thriller about a candidate in the final week of the primary elections for the Democratic Presidential nomination. Extremely well done. In two separate “scenes” Mr. Patterson built the tension to a level that had me gripping the steering wheel in suspense! I highly recommend it.
The other is Brimstone by Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child, a murder mystery with sufficient lurid details and twists of plot to keep anyone enthralled.
Both were good escapist fare, and helped the miles pass quickly.
On long driving trips we generally select books based on the greatest number of CDs (longest books). Often we don’t finish a book before arriving home. In those cases we then sit for about an hour each evening listening together in the living room until we get to the end.
Stories of the trip will come, but not tonight.
Oh, and for those of you not familiar with it, I took the title of this post from the nursery rhyme:
To market, to market, to buy a fat pig.
Home again, home again, jiggedy-jig.
To market, to market, to buy a fat hog.
Home again, home again, jiggedy-jog.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
The Cookies Are All Eaten!
Er . . . Not really. But the ski trip is over (darn it!), and everyone is safely home (thank God!), so that chapter has closed.
Except for the stories I can now tell about it.
(Heh heh heh.)
But that'll have to wait for another post. I have just driven from Denver to Victoria on Saturday and Sunday, arriving home today at about 2:00 pm. We have unloaded the filthy car (its bath will come soon), unpacked the many boxes and suitcases it contained, filled the dirty clothes hamper, and stowed much of the gear that does not need to be washed. The rest of it will be cleaned over the next few days and carefully put away until 2011.
I'm tired.
We listened to a recorded book going and for a few hours on the way home, then listened to most of another on the REST of the way home. We will listen to more of it tonight and plan to retire early. Tomorrow it's back to work for me, and laundry/clean-up time for Carol.
Stories to come!
Except for the stories I can now tell about it.
(Heh heh heh.)
But that'll have to wait for another post. I have just driven from Denver to Victoria on Saturday and Sunday, arriving home today at about 2:00 pm. We have unloaded the filthy car (its bath will come soon), unpacked the many boxes and suitcases it contained, filled the dirty clothes hamper, and stowed much of the gear that does not need to be washed. The rest of it will be cleaned over the next few days and carefully put away until 2011.
I'm tired.
We listened to a recorded book going and for a few hours on the way home, then listened to most of another on the REST of the way home. We will listen to more of it tonight and plan to retire early. Tomorrow it's back to work for me, and laundry/clean-up time for Carol.
Stories to come!
Thursday, February 04, 2010
The cookies are all baked!
. . . and the house smells heavenly!
Not to mention that the cookies taste better than the house smells!
Also, we have staged in the den most of the "stuff" we're hauling to Colorado for skiing with the exception of our suitcases with traveling clothes, toiletries, etc. That happens tomorrow night, after which we load up the car with everything except the food in the freezer and the fridge.
Saturday we hit the road before dawn, hoping to make at least Raton, NM or maybe Trinidad, CO. On Super Sunday we'll arrive, unload, get set up, rent our ski equipment, figure out what we forgot to bring and whether or not we need to replace it, welcome family and friends, and get some rest.
Monday we hit the mountain!
More to come.
Not to mention that the cookies taste better than the house smells!
Also, we have staged in the den most of the "stuff" we're hauling to Colorado for skiing with the exception of our suitcases with traveling clothes, toiletries, etc. That happens tomorrow night, after which we load up the car with everything except the food in the freezer and the fridge.
Saturday we hit the road before dawn, hoping to make at least Raton, NM or maybe Trinidad, CO. On Super Sunday we'll arrive, unload, get set up, rent our ski equipment, figure out what we forgot to bring and whether or not we need to replace it, welcome family and friends, and get some rest.
Monday we hit the mountain!
More to come.
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