Sunday, May 22, 2005

How hot IS it?

"Unseasonably warm." - The Victoria (TX) Advocate
"Heat index -- 105 deg.,
Hades Index -- 102%"

The sun is hot as blazes. It’s summer here, for sure.
The air felt like a furnace blast when I walked out the door.
I’ve put this off for far too long, I need to mow the grass.
The neighbors look and shake their heads, sure that I’m low-class.

The grass and weeds are climbing high, obscuring now the house.
I see the yards on either side, and feel just like a louse.
The folks around here keep their lawns all manicured and neat.
Makes my place look abandoned, it’s the worst lot on this street.

All week the sun’s been shining, hot, since Monday’s heavy rains.
I would have (should have) mowed on Thursday, if I’d had the brains.
On Thursday after work the air was cooler with some breeze,
But now I see no movement in the branches on the trees.

I mount my trusty mower—(at least I get to sit!
I used to push a walk-behind, until it finally quit.
But then we bought the riding kind, much better when it’s hot.
‘Cause, after all, my house sits on a two-thirds-acre lot!)

With sweat already trickling down I move to the attack,
I wonder; should I start out in the front, or in the back?
The trees out front provide more shade; I think I’ll start out there.
A wimp, you say? Well, maybe so, but that’s not really fair.

I mean, it REALLY HOT out here, the grass is really high.
In fact, I’m not sure where I am; can hardly see the sky.
I’d started out across the lawn; by now I should have crossed it.
I wonder if I’m riding round in circles. Have I lost it?

It’s getting dark. I wonder if we’re going to have a storm.
The air seems full of smoke and dust, this surely ain’t the norm.
I smell a smell like rotten eggs, but keep the mower mowing.
I’ve GOT to reach the street out front if I just keep on going

Ah wait! What’s that? I think I see a figure just ahead.
Looks like a man. But why’s he dressed from head to toe in red?
Could it be Santa Claus, the elf, the jolly Christmas giver?
But then I noticed horns and tail! I realized (with a shiver,)

That this could be none other than Beelzebub, old Ned!
I wondered if, in all this heat, I’d passed out and was dead!
But surely I’d not be in Hell! By Jesus I’ve been saved!
Just then the devil turned to me. He stared and then he raved.

“I wanted a vacation from my home down under ground.
I’d heard that up in Texas, many pleasures could be found.
But here I am, and all I find is weather just like there.
I wanted someplace cooler, and this just isn’t fair!

“It’s only May in Texas, and the summer ain’t till June!
That’s why I didn’t come up later; why I came so soon.
I thought it would be diff’rent, but as only I can tell,
I’m going back right now because it’s hotter here than Hell!

A clap of thunder shook the ground. The devil disappeared.
The sun was out, the smoke was gone. T’was not, as I had feared,
The end of Earth, the end of me; but rather the finale
Of a Saturday night nightmare! T’was morning—time to rally!

I looked outside and saw the grass was only inches high.
The sun shone pale through morning mist, low in the eastern sky.
I didn’t read the forecast or the almanac to see,
For I knew on good authority just how hot it will be!

Yeah, I mowed today. Yeah, it was hot.
Thus inspired, I wrote this post.

Yes, I've got plenty more where this came from. And thanks for asking.


Karyn Lyndon said...

Just like a man to wait till the hottest day of the month to mow... (cute poem, btw)

Nic said...

HAHAHA! Seems like we are on the same wavelength. I've talked about the weather in a couple of posts this weekend - as you read on one of them. What is up with August temps in May? I just don't get it! Really enjoyed your post today, er yestereday.

Robin said...

Haha! You could send some of the heat up this way. It's only in the 50s!

Michele sent me. :)

Candace said...

Oh man, Tomcat can relate! He was going to mow yesterday, but phffft! Who needs heatstroke?
At least you guys got some rain.
Cute poem!

Michelle said...

Yet again John your post has made me smile
Even though when reading this it took quite a while
Now I know how hot is was and how you had to suffer
I hope that you had lots of beer and salad for your supper.
I'm sure your neighbours will be pleased with how your lawn looks now
I can imagine what they said - "Holy Shit" or "Holy Cow"
So when, pray tell, will we see some pics up on your blog
Especially the one's of you sweating like a hog.
And when you have stopped laughing at my attempt to rhyme
Just remember I could stop refreshing your page all the time!

Nic said...

I had to reference you on my blog this evening and the poem about your weekend. It was too priceless to pass up b/c it tied in so well with my Monday Meals. (I'm still writing it and it's not posted yet, just wanted to let you know)

J said...

Hilarious and oh so true. I have only mowed our lawn once, push kind, and thought I would die and that was back in early May. Texas is hotter than Hell.

kenju said...

I DO remember it - not sure why I didn't comment. It's hot here too.