Saturday, March 04, 2006

A little golf-course bathroom humor

I TOLD you it was spring in South Texas. Carol and I and our good friend and golfing buddy I’ll call Naomi (which is a biblical reference to her real name — think Naomi’s daughter-in-law... who married Boaz... Oh, go look it up!).

Anyway, out on the public course we always play in Victoria (it’s called Riverside, for an obvious reason) are a couple of restrooms. No, not just inside the clubhouse. There are two fairly nice little buildings out on the course with both a “Men’s” and a “Ladies’” room in each.

Now a lot more men than ladies play golf on any given day, so one typical “problem” (to some) is that often the men will use BOTH sides of the restroom facility. This would be okay if they’d also us a little common courtesy and: 1) clean up after themselves, and 2) put the seat down.

But that’s not today’s topic.

No, today’s topic is toilet tissue.

If you don’t remember (or didn’t know), toilet paper is an area of particular interest and expertise to me. I (ahem) remain the only Olympic Gold Medal winner (and thus I am the current Undefeated Reigning Champion) in the sport of toilet paper unrolling!

Do I detect a hint of doubt in your mind? I have several copies of a Newsweek Magazine article to prove it! And if you would like more on this story (along with pictures!) please see the following posts from several months ago: FIRST, then SECOND, then THIRD.

HA! See? I told you!

Okay, back to my story. Carol and Naomi went into the ladies’ room in one of these outbuildings. When they emerged, Naomi took out her wireless phone and punched Directory – R for Riverside. The following conversation ensued:


“Yes, I’m calling to report that the ladies’ rest room out on the White Nine by hole number four is out of toilet tissue. I wonder if you could bring some out, please.”

“Well, yes, I can come out there in a little while, but it may take me some time.”

“Okay, then. That’ll be fine. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

What? You don’t think there’s anything wrong with that? Well you’re right. But a minute later Naomi’s phone rang. She answered it to learn it was a call from her good friend Robert F. who works part time at the local bowling lanes. Robert was laughing so hard he could hardly talk.

He wanted to know why Naomi thought HE ought to bring toilet tissue to the ladies’ restroom out on the golf course? She didn’t understand for a second, and then she blurted, “I THOUGHT that sounded like you on the phone, but I thought I’d called Riverside!”

Then the two of them were laughing so hard neither one could talk for a minute. Finally Naomi told him in as stern a voice as she could muster between giggles, “Robert, if you EVER tell ANYONE about this, I’ll CHOKE you!”

She figures that when she hit the Directory – R, she must have somehow bumped the “scroll down” button once before hitting “dial,” since Robert’s was the next name in the directory.

I told Naomi that by this evening the whole story will likely be posted in the lobby of the bowling lanes where many of her friends bowl.

But she got even with me. The last hole we played today was a par 5. I was pleased and excited to get a par on that hole. Naomi hit a booming drive, a 3-wood second shot that rolled up onto the green and stopped two feet from the cup!

We MADE her put that shot (although usually in our friendly round a short putt like that is considered a “gimme.” She rammed it home for an eagle 3! (Carol made a birdie 4). My par looked pretty pathetic in contrast!


Hale McKay said...

Hmmm ... spending too much time unrolling TP you don't spend enough on your short game? (LOL)

schnoodlepooh said...

We have so much in common - I am an expert on TP also! Not so much the unrolling, but just in the acquisition of, storage of, and importantce to HOARD lots and lots of TP. I could go on and on about it, but after all, it's your blog, and your story, but the subject of TP really gets me going! Oh yeah!

Faith said...

I would've been beet red!

Nankin said...

Sorry John, my 88 year old mother beats you hands down. I'm not sure what she does with it, but when she comes to visit for a week, I have to buy 3,4,5 cases. So no medal this time.


Duke_of_Earle said...


No, no, it's not about QUANTITY! I won the gold for unrolling ONE roll in the shortest TIME! You've got to be really quick, but smooth on your "pull" or the sheets will pull apart at the perforations (or between them!)

VOLUME of use was an entirely different olympic event!

(Amateurs! What do THEY know?)


Ivy said...

LOL! Thats too funny..

Its been like spring in SE Texas for awhile!.. I dont think we ever had winter hit.. Well except a cold front or two that lasted a day or two and that was it.. We've had non stop bees and mosquitos oH! and the azelea bushes cant figure out what to do..