Tuesday, May 09, 2006

I’ve been thinking...

(Whenever I say that around Carol, she raises an eyebrow. That’s all. No comment from her is required. I used to believe that was her unspoken indication of surprise, based on the infrequent nature of the event. Now I’ve come to understand it’s just her expression of total disbelief that it ever really happens.)

But I have been! Thinking, that is. About yesterday’s post and the comments all my alert and sensitive readers have provided. You’ll notice THEY believe I’m capable of thought, for the first two ask if I have “considered.” (So THERE, Carol!)

Anyway, I’ve begun to wonder if Hewlett-Packard isn’t somehow behind, or at least involved it, this conspiracy. From their web site I attempted to initiate SIX different “chats” with their technicians about my problem. My frustration level grew in exponential bounds as time after time the chat software failed soon after the greeting and introductory phase.

Then HP would rub my face in the fact by sending me an email pointing out that “due to technical problems” the chat had failed. Like I didn’t know! Oh, sure, they apologized. But then they invited me to try again. And being a sucker, I did.

After the third iteration of this cycle I began to suspect that they were laughing at me.

“Let’s see how many times we can entice this sucker to try to chat with us and then cut him off in mid-sentence.” (Snicker, snicker.) “Yeah, then when he’s getting really hot we can keep chatting with him, but lead him on a wild-goose chase involving massive software downloads and registry edits which won’t do any good!” (Heh, heh!) “Oh, yeah! Good one!!”

Well, they’ve got to get SOME entertainment on a Saturday afternoon shift, right? I mean, it’s probably 3:30 a.m. in Sri Lanka where they’re sitting in front of their monitors earning 15 cents per hour playing games with Americans too dumb to Google their problem first.

Maybe THEY are the ones who, as another joke on us hapless Westerners, wrote the program that controls all the electronics and plumbing and cars and appliances and hand tools and houses and so on.

On that basis I think I’ll start sending out millions of “forward to all your friends” emails calling for a boycott on Hewlett Packard. I’ll tell everyone to stop buying HP inkjet cartridges until the price of gasoline gets down to $1.50 a gallon.

THAT’LL teach ’em!

Now, to my readers who commented:

r.e.wolfe — I’m afraid a U.P.S. would just be one MORE piece of equipment for the conspiracy to screw up. Besides, most of our power outages don’t cause problems like this. (And, they cost a lot and I’m cheap!)

Miss Cellania — Yeah, an exorcism seemed like a good idea. I contacted the local Catholic Church and described the conspiracy and what it affected and how it worked. Their priests told me to go away and never contact them again, lest THEY get infected.

Karyn — Yes, Google is great. How did we ever get along without it? (Btw; nice pool!)

RobotJam — Actually that’s a myth about Microsoft’s bug of the month. I have it on GOOD AUTHORITY that they award the “most annoying” prize weekly, not monthly.

M.E Ellis — Even though you’re a certified lunatic... Okay, I’ll use “nutter” if you prefer. And we all adore your lunacy! Anyway, you’re right: the forces behind the conspiracy LOVE to get us frustrated. So I try (as you indicate) not to let it show if possible. But sometimes I feel like that sketched character on your blog who’s suffering keyboard rage.


Candace said...

Everytime I say "I've been thinking," Tomcat says, "Uh-oh," because it usually involves rearranging the furniture.

bigwhitehat said...

Grandad says, "When you go to thinkin' you weaken the ball club."

robotjam said...

You may have a point Duke, do you think Microsoft are outsourcing their bug writing to Malaysia these days.

Also I don't know if you know about this but Mircosoft did a deal with the help desks and computer technician Union where they give them the solution to all these bugs.

It actually keeps 1 billion computer technicians in a job and without the taxes generated by their work it would actually collapse all the governments in the world as they's have no money top spend on projects to help old people to put on slippers.

Its chaos theory in a nutshell.

Monica said...

The cool thing is I recognize Miss Cellania and think she's cool...the bad thing is I don't know anything about the technical side of computers. Sorry.

Anonymous said...

I am convinced that the computer techies stuff us around on purpose so that we can spend more money on fixing up problems which was not there to begin with. They could possible get paid commission.

Anonymous said...

I think you're right about HP. Remember my story about the daily breakdown of equipment at my work? Every one of the devices that stopped wroking at a crucial moment was hooked up to a HP printer. Hmmmmmmm...